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| 24th June 2023 |
Now that I am married, life continues to flow just as it always had done before I became a wife. Does it feel any different people are asking me? Yes and no. In many ways my life remains unchanged. However, I am about to arrive at a crucible of change, where although from the outside everything looks the same, I feel myself at the cusp of big transitions and it feels far from the same, knowing that life will soon be looking very different.
In just a few weeks I will be disembarking from my old and familiar way of life. The one that kept me housed and safe, and the one that contained my identity for 20 years, and I shall soon be taking my first steps as Mrs Wall in a new home. From the outside looking in, its not a big deal. After all, I'm hardly moving to Timbuktu, when all I am doing is moving from one side of the village to the other.
But when factoring all the other things in my life that are shifting and slipping away, I feel at times completely discombobulated. I keep reminding myself to release and let go, but it is hard and sometimes painful.
I look at my old cat pleading with him to let go too. A recent trip to the vets confirmed my feelings that he will not be fit enough to make the move. I am loathed to make the decision for him, especially as at this present time, he is finding simple pleasures by sleeping in the sun during the day, and then on my pillow at night. He might be blind and infirm, but he is not quite knocking at deaths door just yet. I remember when he first walked into my life over 13 years ago just a scrap of a thing. He strolled through my flat and promptly made himself at home above my cupboards for the next few months, until one day he felt safe enough to walk on the floor. He never left and became a good companion for my other stray cat I had at the time. He then became a guide for my blind Spaniel and now he has reached the ripe old age of 18+. Time flies.
In other areas of my life, it is looking very likely that my dementia gentleman I have been looking after for nearly 2 years, will be moving into a brand new Care home around the same time as I move. It is of course, a move not taken lightly by his family and has been an extremely hard decision for all concerned. This will mean another farewell to add to the mix. And I know I wont be the only carer who will miss his company when he goes. Love comes in all forms.
I have also witnessed how so many people hold onto belongings and I have seen first hand how difficult it is once they depart, for those left behind to clear their home of decades worth of stuff. It makes me more conscious than ever, that holding onto material things serves only to weigh us down. So as I prepare to make my own move, I have been clearing and sorting through years of my own possessions. In doing this process, I have decided to leave my Spaniels, Donut and Summers ashes buried in the garden. For the past two years they have sat on my shelf and I had always believed that they would go to the grave with me. But that's the thing about making a conscious decision on letting go. One arrives at a place where choices are made that weren't available before, perhaps because of either emotional or physical blockages. Or maybe the two go hand in hand. Once the emotional obstacles are cleared the physical path becomes clear too and vice versa.
And finally, to add a cherry on top of this merry mixture of letting go's I am entering the phase of a woman's life where hormones can potentially reek havoc. Perimenopause has been making the headlines a bit more these days thanks to personalities such as Davina McCall. Thankfully I have been getting successful support from Homeopathy and a healthy lifestyle. But it can still take me by surprise from time to time, as with all aspects of health, it is a constant work in progress. For me, this can mean emotions can take over, sometimes irrational and unexplainable. Night sweats as well as other strange irregular bodily functions can take place. It is not all bad and I manage them. But it is yet another change on top of all the others.
When I arrived on the farm at the tender age of 26, in Archetypal representations, I was still a Maiden. During the 20 year period, I then became a Mother to my animals and I gave birth to my artistic side as I continued to nurture my creativity. And now, as I approach my Crone years. I see myself on the threshold of something even bigger. As I stand at the doorway from the old into the new, I wonder how the next chapter in life will unfold. I count my blessings everyday, knowing too well, that nothing in life is guaranteed, as I witness good friends of mine living and dying with terminal illnesses. Too young to die - and yet here we are. Life can be cruel.
The date of my wedding day was no accident. I announced to my Fiancé at Christmas time that we should be married in 6 months, I told him that I wanted the people I care about still alive to witness our marriage. It was also no coincidence that it was held on a most auspicious date, not only because it was my 47th birthday but it being Midsummers day. I have always considered it to be a magical and mystical time of year. What better time then, to set ourselves off on a brand new adventure surrounded by love and joyful celebrations shared by not only our friends and family, but with the whole village too.
So as I begin to unfurl my wings, with my heart wide open, I am learning to reach an acceptance that everything must and will change. Goodbyes are inevitable.
One-day if fate allows, I will become that 'Crone', channelling her wisdom and inner knowing. And I shall wear my crown unabashedly, transforming the world in my wake.
In other words, my life's mission will be as it was always intended, 'Creative Community Collaborator'.
And Quirky Cow Creations will live on, just at a different address.
Meanwhile, it is ok to be both sad and excited. As I am recently finding out, these feelings do not have to be mutually exclusive to one another.
