Rebelling against convention and flying free

Rebelling against Convention (Flying Free) 2018

Much has taken place since my last post. Shifts are taking place. Some uncomfortable, sad even, but ultimately, in change will come beautiful new horizons.
For a while, I have had to sit with various emotions before clarity was able to peek through the fog.
up until this week, I was waking up with bouts of anxiety, fearing for what tomorrow may bring before I would even think about the day ahead. I was not present.
Worse still, I gave away my power. I was looking upon others for validation and happiness. My whole situation felt messy and I could see no solutions and then to compound matters even more, I would be constantly shaming myself for every thought and every emotion that I would have.
Fortunately though, I have been able to process some of this stuff through EFT (Emotional Freedom Tapping & Matrix Re-Imprinting) with a brilliant practitioner, Robyn Harris. https://www.equenergy.com/ She encouraged me to stay curious without attachment. This advice has served me in good stead.
There is no doubt that since my recent episode in hospital, it has changed the way I view myself and the kind of life I want to live. I am still exploring, but I have realised certain things need to be let go of in order to move forward.
One of the biggest decisions made, is that the Little Kiwi will finally fly the nest back to New Zealand. It's been a mutual decision and one that wasn't made lightly. However, there is no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing to do for both of us. This means that we have decided to separate. It would be almost 7 years come November that we have been the Quirky Cow and the Kiwi duo. I loved illustrating our adventures together. It'll be an end of an era, at least for now.
I am pushing boundaries to the max when it comes to the heart. Through doing so, I am constantly learning more about myself, my ethics and my own limitations and new boundaries are being created. There have been moments where I have felt so uncomfortable that I questioned my every motive. But what had become glaringly obvious, was that, it had not been my own actions that I had come to feel shame, in fact its been the opposite, I have never felt more authentic and more congruent with the very essence of who I am. What I had been having issues with, was the way I concerned myself on how other people may perceive me. But now that I have recognized this, I am able to acknowledge and let go. After all, it is none of my business what others think of me.
Through all of these shifts though, my creativity has shown no bounds. I have a muse at the moment and its brought me much joy in the process of creating. It's hard to believe that even this could bring me deep shame in my own feelings around such beautiful and profound emotions such as love and joy. All because it does not fit in the realms of convention.
I have never been one to conform. All throughout my school years, I would rebel. I have always striven to live outside the confines of fear and convention. It's not always been an easy ride. I love freely and that in turn can sometimes lead to heartache. But if I couldn't have the freedom to explore and to express the very essence of who I am, as authentically as I can in life, then I could never thrive with integrity, creativity and passion, the three most important values I hold close to my heart to enable me to shine my own light in this world.

Affairs of the heart

Two weeks ago I was in Cornwall celebrating my 42nd birthday with all the family. It was a delightful occasion and a much needed break and as I led back on my mothers lawn on that hot balmy afternoon stuffing birthday cake into my mouth, I counted my blessings to be alive and to belong to such a caring family.
So much healing has taken place over the past 6 weeks. Including between my own parents. We all pulled together during all the recent events and whatever had gone on in the past quickly dissolved and forgiveness ensued. Love really does conquer all.

Then just as you thinks you have life back in control, someone might drift into your life holding up a mirror in front of your face forcing you to take a long hard look at yourself and sometimes the reflection looking right back isn't the one you like and so perhaps you make small changes to make the reflection more appealing.
And sometimes, somebody comes along breaking you clean in a million pieces leaving you grappling to reassemble the broken bits, but you know that you'll never be the same again.
It's a good opportunity to take stock and take only the bits that work for you now. It'll make you feel uncomfortable. It could even be painful, letting go of the pieces that no longer serve you, but you know deep down it must be done, if not now, it'll only rear its head again in the future.
I have realized in recent years that every decision I have made is out of functionality and practicality, down to the haircut I have, the clothes I wear and the relationships I choose. It helps me to devote my time on my own personal development, learning new skills and absorbing knowledge so that I can be the best person that I can be. My life purpose is one of service to others. I am always impatient to be the change that I want to see. Time I believed was off the essence. I blindly followed that path until recently when new circumstances arrived that made me question everything that has helped me to be who I am. My integrity has been pushed to the limits and as I look down at my scattered parts, I find that some have been missing all along. I have been walking around with great gaps in me. I wasn't even aware, perhaps all my busyness of making the world a better place had been an escape from my present situation but now that I have been reawakened, I cannot forget. It's time to  reset my compass. 'What if there was another way?'
In the meantime, while all the personal stuff is going on, life is still moving forward. I have just attended an introductory course on Soul Midwifery It was something I was reminded about when I was in hospital and so I followed it up once I got back home.
Death is a certain. Do I want to continue life as I am, or do I need to make changes to fill the empty voids in my life before I die? And the next question is, if I do, then how?