Community Spirit

Yesterday, I had the joy of attending our Village community Children's Christmas Party.
I have never attended one before, but now that I have become part of the extended family to my Muse, we took his Grandchildren.
I confess that initially, I was far from enamored with the idea of spending my Sunday afternoon with a village hall full of kids, but since I suggested the idea, it was the least I could do to go and support the family. But I am glad I did.
The event was well organised and anyone who lives or have connections with the village was invited and it was free for all who came. This was all down to the time and commitment of a handful of volunteers fundraising for the event throughout the year.
There was party food for the kids, Mulled wine and mince pies for the adults, a short crafting workshop, a very funny and entertaining Magician and last but certainly not least, there was the all important visit from Father Christmas who gifted out quality, age appropriate presents for each of the children.
Out of the twenty or so children attending, I have recently learnt that some of the kids who came had to rely on the food bank this week to be fed. It was a timely reminder that not every family can afford parties and presents.
It is far too easy to stand on the sidelines and judge, I don't have children of my own. I used to think if you can't afford to have kids, don't have any, but then I never had the overwhelming desire to have them. For those who do, no matter how hard one does their best, circumstance can change. Jobs can be lost, relationships can breakdown, partners can die, rented properties that might be your home for years go on the market, cost of living goes up and wages go down. Every parent I know wants to do their best by their children, it is not my place or indeed anyone's to make judgments on other people's life choices until we walk in their shoes. Age has given me the wisdom to understand that not everything is black and white.
One of the other life lessons I have learnt over the years is to know that we all have the power to reach out and lend support and to have empathy for our neighbours. We can help make a difference in people's lives. As a community working together, we are capable of making an even bigger difference. I am proud to be part of a community who is able to do just this.
And even if we don't have the cash to splash, or the time to give, in a country full of turmoil and upheaval over this festive season, perhaps the greatest gifts is a listening ear, to try and understand another's perspective, to validate one another and to be kind. Always.

A year on

I can't believe it's been over a year since my surgery. While physically, many of you wouldn't know that I have been challenged with Facial Palsy due to surgery, I am still affected by it.
To look at me, my face for the most part has regained its symmetry. But I notice how wonky it feels. And Synkinesis has set in which I feel very self-conscious of.
I am still unable to raise my eyebrow or maintain a symmetrical face when I smile. At times, my eye becomes really dry due to slower blink reflex. My face aches much of the time, especially towards the end of the day or when I have had a particularly social day.
My job requires little social interaction and so I continue my working week in my own world, gardening and creating. I am fortunate to have my work as my therapy! It is there I feel most secure and comfortable. But when I am out and about I am reminded of how I have changed this year. Some days are better than others, but I think it is important to be open about my worst days, of which I had a succession of them lately.

On my worst days, I wake up and my first thoughts are how much longer do I have in my body. That is not to say I am suicidal, far from it. But if I could magically transcend my shell, I would.
Beauty is from within, I truly believe that, but when something is destroyed by another person like my facial nerve that enabled me to use my smile which I had always believed was my best feature, that feels gutting. I find it hard to look at photo's of myself now.
I am self-conscious of interacting with new people I meet, constantly paranoid about how I might be perceived, can I still pull off all the subtleties my face was able to express?
On the worst days, my enthusiasm and zest for life feels dampened. I am much less sure in my decision making and if I do make one, a feeling of overwhelm can quickly override any good intentions I may have. Self-worth can be low too.
I am no longer getting any support from the NHS and on the worst days I feel a sense of abandonment over this. Physio sessions have finished and any further treatment I wish to have, I will need to seek independently. I made one visit to my GP just to put them in the picture about developments and I was handed anti-depressants, however I decided I wouldn't take them. Whatever feelings I have, I want to deal with them face on. (Pun intended).
It hasn't always been an easy ride and just as I feel like I have reached the brow of the hill, I am met with another and there have been many tears filled with frustration, anger, grief and disappointment.
On the outside, I will appear strong and feisty, confident and self assured and a big part of me are all of those things too. But like I mentioned before, perhaps it is also okay to share the aspects of me that don't feel so strong as difficult and confronting they may be.
When those moments arise, I try to look beyond, trusting that things can and do change and I think about the ways I can remain empowered to be part of those changes.
One of the things I did for myself recently was commission a young photography student in my village for a photo shoot. I wanted to face my fears of being in front of a lens, accepting the new face looking back at me. I also had her take some beautiful photo's of my dogs and studio.
Hopefully we both found the session beneficial. I am all for supporting new up and coming artists.
Here are just a few of the lovely pictures she took.

Drawing a line

Drawing a line

The Kiwi is staying in his home country, so this month has been spent clearing out his belongings I had been storing.
 As I finally let got of the last of his possessions, I consciously make a decision to draw a line.
I draw a line to the ending of seven a year relationship. The longest one I've been in. It presented many challenges but taught me a lot and with time and distance between us, it is the happy times that I remember and cherish the most. 
I am also drawing a line to feeling responsible for another persons happiness, I draw a line to sacrificing my voice in order to keep silent just so that others can feel more comfortable. My needs are worthy enough to be heard and valued.
I draw a line to ever be guided by another person despite my intuition telling me otherwise just because they may be better qualified. Intuition is an underestimated yet powerful tool.
I would eventually like to draw a line under my surgery last year too, but all the time my legal case is going along in the background, it is hard to move forward when I am reminded by the mistakes made that have been coming through by official reports. I am to see an independent surgeon next month to review my case and to give me a long-term prognosis.
Of course there is still no certainty that my case will prove negligence, although would seem incredulous that it wouldn't given the evidence that has been emerging. And as with all these things, it will end with a settlement. I try and imagine how that would feel. Perhaps then I can draw the final line. I never felt angry towards my surgeon until now. I am angry that he never listened to me, but as I sit with this anger, I find that most of all, above all the catalogue of errors that occurred, I am angry at myself for not taking heed of my own intuition, I have also been feeling shame that I ever wanted more for myself. Had I not chased after the dream of hearing in both ears this would never have happened. And now reccently, I feel guilty that I am pursuing the NHS for compensation when they are struggling enough as it is. And yet. AND YET I am sick to the back teeth of playing it small in this world. Indeed as I type those words, I laugh because this has been very much a theme occurring in the physical. I have been very tearful lately, I am also short-tempered. Everything that I found joy in last year has slowly faded into the background. I find myself doubting peoples motives, even my own, nothing feels the same anymore. I have changed. I am evolving and I will not be pushed again, I will rise once more stronger and wiser and more empathetic. I will find my way back to balance and growth and I will use my experience to make the world a better and kinder one. And any compensation received will be seen as an exchange of energy. I have been one of their biggest lessons too. They too shall learn.
And so with all this in mind, I will begin to draw a line and forgive myself.

Mountain existence.

It's been over a week now since my return from the land that time forgot. My bosses sister had been unwell so I was posted to Snowdonia to assist in her recovery by helping on her smallholding.
A onetime glamour model way back in the 60's she still carries a beauty into her late 70's. Every morning she was donned in the same woolen jumper, her over-sized outdoor trousers and with her long silver hair casually clipped back, it's a certain kind of elegance that I can only dream of looking. In contrast, I would roll out of her spare bed bedraggled, hair all over the place because in my haste of packing I forgot my hairbrush.
However, don't let the fact that she was once on the front of magazines fool anyone to believing her quaint Welsh cottage with it's smallholding in the deepest darkest part of Snowdonia National Park is just a frivolous hobby. For starters, just existing in such challenging terrain requires a certain amount of guts. It is no walk in the park. And by golly, she has guts in the bucketful. When asked what she would like for her birthday one year by her brother, her answer was a cement mixure. This might give you an idea of the kind of lady she is.
Tenacious, formidable, independent and resourceful are perhaps just a few of the characteristics I would use to describe her. Most of her home has been rebuilt by her own fair hands, outbuildings used to house animals and perishable goods, they too were grafted from hard work and determination.
During my week of being there, it snowed for two days. I came to appreciate that life in the Mountains is all about survival.
Above everything including the animals, the Rayburn was priority to keep heated. It was the heartbeat of the farm and our only source of heat and hot water. Every morning was spent refilling the coal buckets, emptying the ash pan and riddling the stove. It was an art that required a certain kind of relationship, coaxing it back from the brink of extinguishing each morning. A technique that I never quite mastered during my time spent there.
Next was attending to the 8 cats, 4 dogs, 14 ducks, a blind Ram and Goose and 50 odd sheep. Only after they were fed could I have my breakfast in relative peace.
Following breakfast came all the other chores. Chopping kindling wood, topping up animal bedding, feed, fuel and deposing any rubbish. Amenities are not as readily accessible as they are in Hampshire, therefore, forward planning is essential in order to maintain smooth running of mountain life, even more so when it snows!
However, it wasn't all work. I was able to get out with a wonderful nearby neighbour from 3 miles away. I got to see some beautiful parts of Snowdonia National park and even had a go on a Coracle, a new one on me!
The whole week was certainly a new experience and one I felt privileged to have. Navigating unknown and unplanned situations that involved real and sometimes raw emotions, staying in somebody's home and paving a way to enable a brother and sister to communicate with one another  really tested my diplomatic skills, empathy and  compassion as well as my practical resourcefulness. On my arrival I must admit, I thought I had bitten off more than I could chew. Spending a night alone in unfamiliar territory, with a temperamental Rayburn and animals all missing their mistress and not even knowing at the time when she would return, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, compounded even more when the Newfoundland dog knocked me off my feet as I was coming down some steps outside. I still have the bruise to remind me.
Ironically I had to miss a training course that was during part of that week which was all about learning to deal with all the situations mentioned above. Perhaps the universe deemed me strong enough to cope. I did and for that I feel proud. I am also reminded of the most recent painting depicting snow capped peaks. (See previous post)  I love how I seem to paint things into reality!

I'm even less sure what the future holds now. I was determined to have things planned this year but as this recent adventure proves, perhaps plans aren't always necessarily needed to move forward and it's ok to just allow things to unfold.
I feel like I am in the process of grieving right now. Last year was all about surviving, Just like my week in Snowdonia showed me, it was all I could do to just keep one foot in front of the other to survive, quite a feat in snow and mud. I couldn't afford myself to feel sad or frustrated or in fact anything other than to stay focused on getting fit and strong and to get what was necessary done. But now that I have regained my strength and my face, although doesn't feel like it used to, it is better than it was, waves of grief has been hitting me lately. It takes me by surprise because I feel like I have so much to look forward to. Perhaps the week was more emotionally draining than I realised.
New relationships will also bring up unhealed aspects of ourselves. And true to form, this one certainly is. My dreams are showing me signs so that I can work through them. I am grateful that my muse is a good listener. He holds a safe space for me to express my vulnerability and in doing so, he can too. This is new to me. I have always felt like I had to be the strong one in a relationship. Holding and supporting others. Sometimes it was in order to avoid my own fragility and sometimes it was because I didn't value my own needs. This time it feels different. This time, we can work through things together and I don't feel like I am doing it alone. So here's to a new journey. A journey built on mutual respect, trust and companionship. I will also appreciate my chalk filtered water from our own bore hole on the farm which is in stark comparison to the muddy brown mountain Spring water that came out the taps in Snowdonia!

Moving forwards

The Soul Shepherdess and her Muse.

As we are approaching towards the end of January already, I have been tentatively turning my focus on what I might achieve for 2019. I have never been one to create new year resolutions, but I do like to tune into my heart and soul to explore what they need. Moving forwards is important to me.
However, that said, I find it beneficial to look back and find my learning's of the previous year. As it happens, currently I have no choice but to look back because of my legal case. It makes for uncomfortable reading and its taken a few days to process the information that has surfaced.
I have never been one to regret my experiences, but to look back at some photo's of me after surgery, I barely recognize her. The sadness I feel for her, is at times overwhelming. But what I have come to learn is that my face and my body isn't all that I am. I cohabit it, but the essence of who I am runs far far deeper than the shell I am fortunate enough to walk around in. Somebody physically broke a part of me last year but they could never break my spirit. No one can.
I have learnt that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. If I could bottle that inner strength, I would. Sometimes I am afraid that it will elude me one day.
It is a strength that comes from love, forgiveness and a feeling that I am never alone. Call it God, call it Source, call it Gaia. But whatever it is, it isn't actually coming from me alone. Perhaps it helps to have a faith, but to me it's also been hope. A tenacious belief that things can always get better. Our time on earth is brief. I want to make the most of it and to leave a legacy striving for peaceful solutions and community cooperation.

It is perhaps also time to share the latest development in my life and introduce my Muse. I have known him for a few years. I liken him to an Ox or a Bull. He is strong physically, but emotionally too. For the first time in my life, I feel safe enough to be carried by someone other than my parents. It is not so much that I need to be carried. Last year taught me that I can do that myself! But recently it has been a real gift after all that has happened to feel loved and supported unconditionally, to feel secure enough to know that I won't be dropped or left abandoned when the going gets tough.
I don't know where this new found experience will take us, but I am determined to enjoy it for what it is. Life has far too many obstacles to navigate to be concerned about how long love might last. I prefer to look at love never dying but rather evolving.

Angels are for life, not just for Christmas

Just before Christmas I began a new series of artwork to give as a token gift to various friends and family as a way to express my gratitude for all their love and support during the challenging period I experienced last year.

The subject matter was aptly chosen for the time of year as Angels. However, the seasonal sentiment ran far deeper, conveying a less frivolous message but more of a gesture to demonstrate that not all Angels have wings. In fact, it is in my experience that they appear in the most unexpected of ways.
This in mind, as I started to paint, many faces flooded my minds eye and I soon realised that not only has it been my closest friends and family who lifted my spirits, but people I didn't know so well, including  strangers.
We underestimate the impact our words and actions have on each other. I pledge this year that we all be kinder to one another. Who knows how we might change somebody's world, if even for a minute, lets choose to make it a better more joyful and peaceful version.
I like this quote as a reminder.

"Before you speak, let your words pass three gates.
At the first gate ask yourself, "Is it true?"
At the second gate, ask, "Is it necessary?"
At the third gate, ask, "Is it Kind?"
-Rumi.

In the meantime, Angels are still being painted! I still have many more to send flying on their way this month and then the next mission will be for an Angel to be posted through every door of my village.

Angels are for life, not just for Christmas.