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| Drawing a line |
The Kiwi is staying in his home country, so this month has been spent clearing out his belongings I had been storing.
As I finally let got of the last of his possessions, I consciously make a decision to draw a line.
I draw a line to the ending of seven a year relationship. The longest one I've been in. It presented many challenges but taught me a lot and with time and distance between us, it is the happy times that I remember and cherish the most.
I am also drawing a line to feeling responsible for another persons happiness, I draw a line to sacrificing my voice in order to keep silent just so that others can feel more comfortable. My needs are worthy enough to be heard and valued.
I draw a line to ever be guided by another person despite my intuition telling me otherwise just because they may be better qualified. Intuition is an underestimated yet powerful tool.
I would eventually like to draw a line under my surgery last year too, but all the time my legal case is going along in the background, it is hard to move forward when I am reminded by the mistakes made that have been coming through by official reports. I am to see an independent surgeon next month to review my case and to give me a long-term prognosis.
Of course there is still no certainty that my case will prove negligence, although would seem incredulous that it wouldn't given the evidence that has been emerging. And as with all these things, it will end with a settlement. I try and imagine how that would feel. Perhaps then I can draw the final line. I never felt angry towards my surgeon until now. I am angry that he never listened to me, but as I sit with this anger, I find that most of all, above all the catalogue of errors that occurred, I am angry at myself for not taking heed of my own intuition, I have also been feeling shame that I ever wanted more for myself. Had I not chased after the dream of hearing in both ears this would never have happened. And now reccently, I feel guilty that I am pursuing the NHS for compensation when they are struggling enough as it is. And yet. AND YET I am sick to the back teeth of playing it small in this world. Indeed as I type those words, I laugh because this has been very much a theme occurring in the physical. I have been very tearful lately, I am also short-tempered. Everything that I found joy in last year has slowly faded into the background. I find myself doubting peoples motives, even my own, nothing feels the same anymore. I have changed. I am evolving and I will not be pushed again, I will rise once more stronger and wiser and more empathetic. I will find my way back to balance and growth and I will use my experience to make the world a better and kinder one. And any compensation received will be seen as an exchange of energy. I have been one of their biggest lessons too. They too shall learn.
And so with all this in mind, I will begin to draw a line and forgive myself.
