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| Me at 4 months on from the operation |
I spent most of my childhood not wanting to exist. There are certain things I remember and one of them was dying and knowing what was on the other side of the veil. Life in this body seemed pointless and futile. I never understood why I chose to stay and spent all of my childhood wishing I could 'return home' - Wherever that was. In fact I do recall when I was around 6 years old, waking myself up choking on my own tongue because it dropped to the back of my throat. So many nights I would end up floating above my sleeping body.
Just lately I have been wondering what the point is again. Don't get me wrong. I am pleased to be alive. I have no desire to leave this world just yet! But even so. With so much turmoil going on, both in my inner world and the outer world, it's sometimes hard to remain buoyant.
Just recently I have been experiencing sickness. My facial nerve has been returning back to life after 4 months of being frozen. Good news, but it's a sensation I have not been used to for so long, especially when I still really don't have much control over what it does.
On the outside my looks are becoming more 'normal' I notice people who know me stare at my face that little bit longer, I wish they wouldn't. Some even ask me 'to smile', this really grates me. I am not a puppet.
Other stuff is going on too. The Kiwi has a date to return to his native home. I am pleased for him, but it has been feeling like we are both living in Nomads land. Until he goes, neither of us are able to move forwards. The universe is certainly throwing lessons to test my patience!
Energy levels are returning, but I have noticed that stress and tiredness will make my sickness worse. It is easy to forget that the nerve will also have so much work to do on the inside too. My taste buds - they are still not right. My inner ear which of course controls the balance. I do feel out of kilter.
All of this is fine and dandy. My body has endured so much worse over the years. I forget, but my body doesn't. Throwing up is a sign that I am still in recovery. This year is a test of endurance and patience. In the meantime. If I am feeling low, this song will always pick me up.
