With two months away from reaching my 44th
birthday, I never thought that I would be sitting here experiencing feelings
that take me straight back to being 14 again. Feelings of frustration and anger,
powerlessness and a sense of inadequacy to cope in a society hell bent on following
rules but with a fierce objection in conforming to them. Back then, I released
those frustrations by trashing my bedroom and punching walls. Rewind back even
further, at 9 years old, I would throw chairs across the library and stones at
dinner ladies. I WAS that problem child.
Back to today. My coping strategies during this current social
distancing have been to make art. But in the past week, my strength of resolve
has all but disappeared. My Bitch mode has warped to factor 10. Those close to
me, I have pushed away and last night, I trashed my kitchen. Doing the dishes
as it happened pushed me over the edge.
But did you know, anger is a form of trauma response? Fight,
flight or freeze. It is in the fight category. Unfortunately, unlike a reaction
of anxiety for instance where we can have compassion and understanding for that person, someone who is angry is hard to empathise with. They
are also challenging to reason with until the red mist dissipates.
Anger as an energy however, is not an emotion to be shunned or frightened of. We can use it constructively to achieve great things, but the danger lies when it becomes destructive. I have reached that stage.
Anger as an energy however, is not an emotion to be shunned or frightened of. We can use it constructively to achieve great things, but the danger lies when it becomes destructive. I have reached that stage.
Under normal circumstances, if I feel like life is getting on
top of me, I will go and visit a friend.
Phoning and Zooming, although the next best options are not the same. I need to feel the reassuring warm energy my friends exude and eye to eye contact to let me know that I am not invisible. A hug or a light touch of the hand to symbolize that indeed we are all worthy and validated.
I would perhaps take a drive to the woods and walk my now elderly dogs who cant walk very far but enjoy the settings as much as I do. Sharing that joy with my dogs is healing in itself. I am very aware the Bluebells are out now, and it’s been an annual tradition to take a photo of us all amidst the blue purple clouds. Except this year I feel I can’t without fear of repercussions and reprimand from eagerly awaiting self-appointing members of public policing the very act of taking a drive to the country.
All the strategies I use to keep myself grounded, doing community work and following the village events calendar routine to help enable me to see the people that I care about has all but gone. I am bereft and grieving.
Phoning and Zooming, although the next best options are not the same. I need to feel the reassuring warm energy my friends exude and eye to eye contact to let me know that I am not invisible. A hug or a light touch of the hand to symbolize that indeed we are all worthy and validated.
I would perhaps take a drive to the woods and walk my now elderly dogs who cant walk very far but enjoy the settings as much as I do. Sharing that joy with my dogs is healing in itself. I am very aware the Bluebells are out now, and it’s been an annual tradition to take a photo of us all amidst the blue purple clouds. Except this year I feel I can’t without fear of repercussions and reprimand from eagerly awaiting self-appointing members of public policing the very act of taking a drive to the country.
All the strategies I use to keep myself grounded, doing community work and following the village events calendar routine to help enable me to see the people that I care about has all but gone. I am bereft and grieving.
To impound matters even worse there has been so much judgement
thrown about over the last month. None of us know what is going on for one another.
Not truly.
Were you aware that stress and trauma are one of the biggest factors of making one ill?
Whilst I completely understand that this virus is a very real threat to a lot of people. I for one am not afraid of the virus. – And here’s another thing, anyone telling me I should be scared, clearly don’t know me well. The things I am most scared of, are the very things I will confront head on. I have experienced health challenges over the years. I know what it is like to struggle to breathe, but I also understand that we are far stronger than we are led to believe. Biologyof Belief by Bruce Lipton is a fantastic book, anyone who has an understanding in Epigenetics will know the potential of how strong we can be. We can all be our own personal hero. However, anyone familiar with NLP will understand that our media is fuelled by fear. Have you noticed the specific fear loaded words, ‘Crisis’ ‘Unprecedented’. ‘Catastrophic’…. The list goes on. Our Neurological pathways are changing from comfort to fear, making us feel helpless and malleable. I am afraid of how compliant we have become without question.
Were you aware that stress and trauma are one of the biggest factors of making one ill?
Whilst I completely understand that this virus is a very real threat to a lot of people. I for one am not afraid of the virus. – And here’s another thing, anyone telling me I should be scared, clearly don’t know me well. The things I am most scared of, are the very things I will confront head on. I have experienced health challenges over the years. I know what it is like to struggle to breathe, but I also understand that we are far stronger than we are led to believe. Biologyof Belief by Bruce Lipton is a fantastic book, anyone who has an understanding in Epigenetics will know the potential of how strong we can be. We can all be our own personal hero. However, anyone familiar with NLP will understand that our media is fuelled by fear. Have you noticed the specific fear loaded words, ‘Crisis’ ‘Unprecedented’. ‘Catastrophic’…. The list goes on. Our Neurological pathways are changing from comfort to fear, making us feel helpless and malleable. I am afraid of how compliant we have become without question.
I consider myself extremely
fortunate to live where I am. But the disparity between the wealthy and not so
wealthy has become even more evident. While most of us now have financial concerns,
loss of jobs leading to loss of homes, local businesses etc. There is another
group who are swanning around, having cocktail Zoom parties oblivious to the
car crash that is going on around them. I am not saying they are bad people.
But the ignorance is outstanding.
I on the other hand have been becoming increasingly angry at the injustice of the system. I run art workshops for young adults with learning disabilities. I know that many of them have been struggling to come to terms with this isolation. And because they lack the tools to be able to process their own feelings, much of our laying of foundations over months and years to help support them in growing their confidence and integration into society has taken a huge step back.
I on the other hand have been becoming increasingly angry at the injustice of the system. I run art workshops for young adults with learning disabilities. I know that many of them have been struggling to come to terms with this isolation. And because they lack the tools to be able to process their own feelings, much of our laying of foundations over months and years to help support them in growing their confidence and integration into society has taken a huge step back.
I am frustrated at the way we have suddenly after decades of
neglecting the elderly and vulnerable jumped to their aid. Why is it that it
takes a crisis that we remember they exist?
I am fearful for the ones who are suffering at the hands of
domestic abuse and yet we still like to judge those who choose to be outside cycling,
walking, sunbathing!
Isolation and trauma will be the biggest killer not the virus. I honestly believe that.
Isolation and trauma will be the biggest killer not the virus. I honestly believe that.
There is of course a flipside. As well as witnessing the
very worst of humanity and injustices within the system. It has awakened in
people a new appreciation of what it is to be a community, we have developed a
duty of care towards one another. A pull together kind of spirit and the world
is beginning to heal from our centuries of abuse.
But this blog post is not about that. Although I have and will continue adhering to the rules as best I can and I will ALWAYS respect peoples own needs, I warn you now, I will be that person pushing the boundaries of what could be deemed as to what's right and what is wrong. I will be pushing peoples buttons. I will be triggered and I will continue to challenge, because I believe in freedom and that death is not the end. But despite all of that, I know I am a good person. I know where I begin and where I end. The Morphic Field is a thing. Your fear is not my fear and that is okay. Mental Health is not always about a label.
So with all due respect. If you see me (or indeed anybody)
out in the car or meeting a friend or taking a walk across your land responsibly
and respectfully, it maybe because they, like me, need to save them from themselves.
I chose the title after watching the film 'A Monster Calls' It is about a young boy facing up to his monsters/his dark thoughts. It is a brave thing to do but ultimately the only thing we can do in order to live a life we were born for. It's okay to hold conflicting and polarizing ideas and feelings on things, especially during times like these.
My demons are raising their ugly heads, but for the most part, I have the tools to deal with them. I invite everyone to take a long hard look in the mirror and explore the darkness that is reflected within us and learn to understand them because we all have it, it’ll help us to see one another without judgement. However, if you are unable to reach those dark aspects, then turn the other cheek. Resist the judgment calls and the shaming and blaming. Live and let live, for we are all doing the best we can during these most unusual times. We may be in the same storm, but we are not in the same boat.
I chose the title after watching the film 'A Monster Calls' It is about a young boy facing up to his monsters/his dark thoughts. It is a brave thing to do but ultimately the only thing we can do in order to live a life we were born for. It's okay to hold conflicting and polarizing ideas and feelings on things, especially during times like these.
My demons are raising their ugly heads, but for the most part, I have the tools to deal with them. I invite everyone to take a long hard look in the mirror and explore the darkness that is reflected within us and learn to understand them because we all have it, it’ll help us to see one another without judgement. However, if you are unable to reach those dark aspects, then turn the other cheek. Resist the judgment calls and the shaming and blaming. Live and let live, for we are all doing the best we can during these most unusual times. We may be in the same storm, but we are not in the same boat.
Namaste. (Which means all that I see in you, is all that I see in me)
NB Its been a week since I typed this. I am feeling more grounded. I realise on reflection that the most fundamental things we all need is to feel safe and validated. Isolation does not feel like a safe response for me. It has the opposite affect. Now that I know this. I have re-framed the process in my head. I still am learning.
I am also hearing so many voices in the sea of social media. Conclusion; They all need validating....... We all need to be loved because at the end of the day, it is only really love that will get us through.
NB Its been a week since I typed this. I am feeling more grounded. I realise on reflection that the most fundamental things we all need is to feel safe and validated. Isolation does not feel like a safe response for me. It has the opposite affect. Now that I know this. I have re-framed the process in my head. I still am learning.
I am also hearing so many voices in the sea of social media. Conclusion; They all need validating....... We all need to be loved because at the end of the day, it is only really love that will get us through.
