To look at me, my face for the most part has regained its symmetry. But I notice how wonky it feels. And Synkinesis has set in which I feel very self-conscious of.
I am still unable to raise my eyebrow or maintain a symmetrical face when I smile. At times, my eye becomes really dry due to slower blink reflex. My face aches much of the time, especially towards the end of the day or when I have had a particularly social day.
My job requires little social interaction and so I continue my working week in my own world, gardening and creating. I am fortunate to have my work as my therapy! It is there I feel most secure and comfortable. But when I am out and about I am reminded of how I have changed this year. Some days are better than others, but I think it is important to be open about my worst days, of which I had a succession of them lately.
On my worst days, I wake up and my first thoughts are how much longer do I have in my body. That is not to say I am suicidal, far from it. But if I could magically transcend my shell, I would.
Beauty is from within, I truly believe that, but when something is destroyed by another person like my facial nerve that enabled me to use my smile which I had always believed was my best feature, that feels gutting. I find it hard to look at photo's of myself now.
I am self-conscious of interacting with new people I meet, constantly paranoid about how I might be perceived, can I still pull off all the subtleties my face was able to express?
On the worst days, my enthusiasm and zest for life feels dampened. I am much less sure in my decision making and if I do make one, a feeling of overwhelm can quickly override any good intentions I may have. Self-worth can be low too.
I am no longer getting any support from the NHS and on the worst days I feel a sense of abandonment over this. Physio sessions have finished and any further treatment I wish to have, I will need to seek independently. I made one visit to my GP just to put them in the picture about developments and I was handed anti-depressants, however I decided I wouldn't take them. Whatever feelings I have, I want to deal with them face on. (Pun intended).
It hasn't always been an easy ride and just as I feel like I have reached the brow of the hill, I am met with another and there have been many tears filled with frustration, anger, grief and disappointment.
On the outside, I will appear strong and feisty, confident and self assured and a big part of me are all of those things too. But like I mentioned before, perhaps it is also okay to share the aspects of me that don't feel so strong as difficult and confronting they may be.
When those moments arise, I try to look beyond, trusting that things can and do change and I think about the ways I can remain empowered to be part of those changes.
One of the things I did for myself recently was commission a young photography student in my village for a photo shoot. I wanted to face my fears of being in front of a lens, accepting the new face looking back at me. I also had her take some beautiful photo's of my dogs and studio.
Hopefully we both found the session beneficial. I am all for supporting new up and coming artists.
Here are just a few of the lovely pictures she took.
