Artists Block

I’m having a slight problem. I’ve hit a brickwall, a dead end, an artist’s form of ‘writers block’ and the more I focus on my lack of painting, the more I feel guilty and all these negative feelings are not conducive to any sort of creativity and so it goes on. I’m caught in a vicious circle.

I think all artists have some form of block at various times. My friend Jani has an Imp. Hers tells her that she’s no good at her art.

I too am having self-doubt. I feel like a fraud. Ive stopped painting because of this very belief. I should be doing something more productive like…, well.......Ive not worked that one out yet!

To get me out of this self-destructive pattern, ive hitched a cunning plan.

Going back to jani’s troublesome Imp, I’ve imagined my little quandary to be a pixie! Im not sure why it’s a pixie, I think maybe because pixies can be playful and mischievous, they mean no real harm.

So anyway, giving my ‘block’ an imaginary identity, Im allowing to draw my attention to him. (if you pardon the pun). I'm not fighting to ignore him and so that makes me feel a little peaceful inside already. I mean who really wants to fight internal battles with oneself anyway?!

As I am typing, I can see him in my minds' eye, he’s wearing a soft velvety green jacket, suede brown trousers and funky red shoes. He’s sat opposite me, smirking coz he knows I have been listening to his cruel teasing over the last week. But the thing is, where he comes from, is a beautiful land where many other beautiful characters live and love and in my imagnination, I can enter his world whenever I like.

My little pixie isn’t quite so confident now! In his kingdom, he’s nothing but ‘just’ a pixie. Just a little aggravating individual who uses cruel teasing and taunts to pass the time and I know, that given time, he will get bored and move onto someone else who might give him the time of day. Or maybe he will go play on the swing!

As well as my pixie, I see fairies and elves and even Jani’s Imp! They are surrounded by butterflies and Owls, Badgers and Foxes, they all hold a certain charm about them, even my infuriating pixie!

Where they live, the colours are vibrant and cheerful to the soul, their world is playful, loving and magical and I play with them amongst the trees and it makes me happy. So happy infact, I want to reach for my paintbrush…..

..So you see, my cunning plan worked! I’m painting again!

I wish

 

I wish I could tell you how I have a fire in my belly that has burnt within me since coming home from \Alderney.

I wish I could tell you, how 4 weeks ago I was lying in the darkness of my tent alone and torch-less, in despair on how I would occupy my time for the next week forced to accept and to even learn to love my own company.

I wish I could tell you how, on the second night, as I walked 2 miles back to my tent drunk and full of anguish and on reaching the beach, I sat in the moonlight and wept away years of hurt and pain, anguish and fear and whilst doing so, I felt the sea cleanse my soul and wash away all my anger and all my rage.

I wish I could tell you on waking the next morning, how everything had changed…....

I wish I could tell you, how a few days later, I met someone, who has profoundly changed my world and how they have stirred up my passion to live life creatively, spiritually and confidently and how they have taught me that to love, is to let go and that my connection to them goes far deeper than anything physical.

I wish I could tell you that I am ready to embrace life and all that it has to offer and that my past will never affect me negatively again and how I have forgiven all those who have hurt me or done me wrong.

I wish I could tell you how much love I have in my heart for all my family, my friends and my pets and how enormously grateful for all the love and support I get back in return.

I wish that I could tell you all of those things, but I think you already know......