Regeneration

Last month I received what felt like at the time a devastating blow to both my health and my self esteem.

I had been in a similar position two and a half years previously after waking up from surgery with Facial Palsy when my main facial nerve, technically known as the 7th Cranial Nerve that controls the face muscles and taste was accidentally severed. 
It had taken 2 years of physio exercises to regain control (though not fully) of the right side of my face, only for it to be all taken away from me within minutes.
Those minutes all took place on a weekday evening. 3 days prior, I had been experiencing a headache followed by intense earache. I put it down to an emotional few weeks and continued working.
But come one evening as I sat down about to eat my dinner, I suddenly realized I could no longer blink, quickly followed by a sensation of helplessness and panic, unable to move my face and the side of my mouth. In less than ten minutes, I was almost back to how I had been immediately after surgery, only this time the paralysis was accompanied by substantial pain, as if the whole of the side of my face had been punched and kicked and was coming out in a bruise. 
Sufficed to say, I couldn't eat my dinner that night and a phone call to see the doctor the very next morning led to a hospital visit to see my neurology consultant that afternoon.
After thorough examination, he diagnosed me with Bells Palsy symptoms. I was devastated.
Unlike last time. This time, even though I knew what to expect in the realms of how to recover and what to do, it has become even more pertinent how our lives, our communities and our society have changed.
 Last time, my strategies were to continue with the events I had planned that Summer. Like Morris Dancing, Singing, Camping, meeting friends. going to festivals and art shows. My resources were Physio sessions, Massage, Cranial Sacral treatment. EFT, hugs and my dogs.
This time round, everything I had available to me have gone. My dog, dancing, singing. Any social engagement. I can't even access the treatments that I would like to support me in my recovery. If I were to strictly adhere to the rules, even hugging would be off the  table. This time round, I am very much alone. Creating solutions to aid my healing process is much harder when the world I exist in with the people that inhabit it, are afraid to be near me, let alone touch me. When so many are under the illusion that we are doing our bit to protect one another. To save each other from a virus. I, like countless others are  not feeling saved or protected. We are left to struggle to find our own way with little resources to hand and little support. Emotionally and practically.
This is not the end of me though. Like a phoenix rising from the flames, rise I will, stronger than ever before. 
For the past few months, I have been training to be a Conscious Health Coach with Sam Thorpe This most recent experience has certainly highlighted and brought to my awareness the importance of maintaining balance at all levels of consciousness from Brainstem, Cerebelum and Cortex brain layers.
I am understanding even more that our body doesn't make mistakes, but rather, creates strategies and adaptations according to the meaning we give to our emotions and experiences we have throughout our lives. Every behaviour and every physical adaptation has a function and a purpose and that is to protect us and to evolve us. It is when they begin to cause us discomfort or they no longer serve us, that we may wish to be released from such limitations and this can be done by unraveling the many layers we form by our beliefs and perceptions that we learn from inheritence conditioning and experiences.

Right now, we live in uncertain times, but they are also exciting ones. And when I reach a level of peace through meditation, breathe work and in my creating space. I can let go of my frustrations, my anger and my heartache and I can become the person I came here to be and fulfill my life purpose. Who else is curious enough to join me on a journey of self discovery?
Like the three Wise men as told in the Nativity, if we can learn more about ourselves let go of judgement, perhaps we can all grow wiser and share our wealth of knowledge, gifts, skills and talents. How amazing would the world be?!

LIfe goes on

As we find ourselves in our second stint of lockdown in the UK. I have once again found myself battling with an array of mixed emotions. Just as I felt we were turning a corner on how we could choose to spend our time in various places with the people we enjoy spending time with, the government in its wisdom tell us to lockdown again. 

I am enraged. None of it makes any kind of sense. Any independent free thinking critical mind can see this. Following on from the rage, is confusion, surely if it worked last time, then why again? And if it didn't work last time, then why are we doing it again now?
But as I try to comprehend such measures, my heart is also aching. I lost a dear friend from my village. As I still grapple with the shock of such a loss because of course, this was the friend I confided in, the friend who listened to me without judgment, the friend I created mischief with. The friend who really 'saw me'. My problem solving brain tries to find solutions for the new terrain I am now walking on; Alone without her. My wing-man has gone and yet, if I still my mind for long enough, I feel her essence, memories are still fresh, I can hear her voice, her mischievous laugh and I ask her what she would do in these present times?
The answer lies in the phrase of 'Life is too short'. My friend had much to live for, but it was cut short. She didn't appreciate the last lockdown, choosing to live as hard as her weakening body allowed. We continued to hug, hold hands, cry, laugh, gossip and plan. Nothing could hold us back, not even the Government and it's rules. We didn't know how long we had. None of us do. I wonder if we all knew we would die tomorrow or next week, whether our decisions would be different?

As I tentatively begin to take small steps into my village and its community on my own, my first community engagement took place today. A fortnight before the threat of another lockdown was mentioned, I ordered 500 Daffodil bulbs to plant on the Avenue of Remembrance. The troops were gathered to help and a date was penciled in, then Lockdown happened. I was determined more than ever to get the task complete with or without the support. Spring Bulbs would not wait for anyone or any virus. And Lord knows, we all need a bit of a cheer come Springtime even if it comes in the form of bright yellow dancing daffodils.
Finally after initial resistance from individuals, I reaffirmed that under the Volunteer and Charitable sector, what we would be doing was not illegal. And even if it was, I had made my stance clear that I wasn't afraid to be arrested for the cause. I had the backing from many people and am pleased to say, we had around 25-30 people come and help. The sun was shining down on us and the banter flowed, just as it always does between fellow villagers. As I stood witnessing the comradeship, I felt blessed and lucky to be alive. My only disappointment being that on mentioning the possibility of going for a well deserved pint in the pub afterwards, I was swiftly reminded that all pubs were closed. Village pubs we miss you!

It's funny how the day in the life of a country village girl goes. On returning home, my next task was to finish off two paintings I created in honour of my friend. She loved Sunflowers and when she was alive, one of our greatest joys was to decorate the back of the Church for all the festivals.
We were living proof that Telepathy was real. The number of times we would both come up with a new creation on the same sleepless night and on comparing notes the next day, we discover they were almost identical. Every year we challenged ourselves to create more elaborate displays than the previous one.
This time, I have made an offering with the paintings and as I walked up to hang them in position I see that her grave has been dug, it brings it all back home, she's never coming back. From thinking about life and the future of newly planted bulbs we had just scattered, full of promised full of life itself and then I arrive in the lap of death in the same morning. A finality, a completion, the reaching of its full circle.
I am more determined than ever to make her legacy live on. Her legacy to me, being that every moment is worth fighting for, to remain independent, joyful and free.
She ran out of steam, but I will pick up where she left off. Life is precious, Lockdown or not, my drive to make every minute of everyday count will be my farewell gift to her. after all, None of us know when we may draw our last breath. 

Fear

 

You have only to look at my face to know that even the most highly trained and skilled expert in their field can get things wrong. My intuition warned me. Unfortunately, I didn’t take heed of the warning bells my body was giving me, opting to listen to my surgeon because naively I believed he knew better than me.

Fast forward to today, we have many experts all exclaiming to have the right answers, all armed with varying information contradicting one another.
Facts and figures muddy the waters and statistics are only relevant when the full context is understood. Context is a rare commodity these days. 

I’m not interested in what you perceive to be right or wrong. There is such a thing as information bias.
What I am interested in though, is what is driving your fear. Is it the fear of illness or dying? or the suffering or loss of our loved ones?
Could it be the fear of breaking the law or the disobedience of others around you?           
We all have our fears, all of them just as valid as the next persons.           

My fears are witnessing and experiencing the divisions these rules are creating. The polarity of sides, depending on the stance we take. I fear the name calling which only serve to create an even greater divide.
I fear the wall of masked faces when I go out.
As human beings, our brains subconsciously read facial expressions as social cues to carefully gauge how we proceed with one another, it only takes the most fleeting & subtlest of movements to determine how we choose to respond to someone which can lead to deeper connections. (Or not)
Interconnections keep us safe. I do not feel safe. Being hard of hearing only exasperates the situation. I cannot hear you and now I cannot see you.

I was born with a congenital condition, so I understand what it is to live with disabilities. Those who don’t know me, would never know I have battled with health conditions throughout my life. Most people living with disabilities, hidden or not, will tell you how we can adapt and overcome without the need to label ourselves. I fear that the current situation has forced us into a corner where we are made to label ourselves so that we may be accepted in society unmasked. 

I am afraid of the confrontation I have had to endure. The complete ignorance from even the most well-meaning of folk. To the ones who tell you that mask wearing ‘isn’t that difficult’…….And yet, for those living with conditions such as facial palsy like myself, where nerves have been damaged and features remain frozen in time and in some area’s even collapsed and at times painful, perhaps you might think twice too?

I am bereft of the loss and closure of institutions, charities and organisations within my community. The huge changes that have prohibited the most fundamental aspects of what brings a village together. Not even knowing when it will all end. Will it end? I am more scared of not knowing than the very thing that is preventing us from living fully and joyfully.               

I am not ready to die, but it feels like part of me already has. I am uncertain of how I may serve my community with the challenges we are facing. I am floundering. And as I walk around my village, I am reminded of all the things we achieved together. All the community initiatives and schemes I started or took part in, despite my alternative views that perhaps go against the mainstream narrative, I remind myself that even if I go against the grain, I am not a bad person.                

And speaking of dying matters, perhaps my differing ideas to life and death is due to the very reason that I have experienced death. NDE (Near Death Experience) is very real. It is the one thing I am not afraid of. I will go as far as saying it is easier than living, especially in today’s world.
And as it stands, today's society is increasingly becoming one that I feel like I do not belong in.      

Life however will go on. It is worth noting though, that we are so much more than the shell of our body that we inhabit and all the time I am in mine, I shall continue to live my life to the full, no one has permission to tell me how to live it. Please allow me to make my own risk assessments with my family and my friends. It is not my job on this earth to be responsible for your health, nor is it indeed yours to protect mine.
I made a vow to myself two years ago after surgery to always take heed of my intuition. It is my body after all. Only I know what is best for me, not anyone else.
Call me selfish. But I say being selfish is allowing people go hungry, dying alone, loss of income and homes, losing people through suicide due to such draconian restrictions, not being allowed to hug or even see our loved ones. Creating abhorrent situations that are committing people to mental institutions. Slowing down and even stopping the admissions of surgery that could ultimately lead to an early demise for some. Depending on your perspective on the world, selfish comes in many forms.

 I do not profess to have the answers and I do not proclaim to be right in my thinking, but once again, no one has permission to tell me that I am wrong when there is so much more at stake than losing lives just over Covid.

Finally, I close this post with the words of Ben Howard. 'The Fear' 

"I been worryin' that my time is a little unclear
I been worryin' that I'm losing the one's I hold dear
I been worryin' that we all live our lives in the confines of fear…"

A Monster Calls

With two months away from reaching my 44^th birthday, I never thought that I would be sitting here experiencing feelings that take me straight back to being 14 again. Feelings of frustration and anger, powerlessness and a sense of inadequacy to cope in a society hell bent on following rules but with a fierce objection in conforming to them. Back then, I released those frustrations by trashing my bedroom and punching walls. Rewind back even further, at 9 years old, I would throw chairs across the library and stones at dinner ladies. I WAS that problem child.

Back to today. My coping strategies during this current social distancing have been to make art. But in the past week, my strength of resolve has all but disappeared. My Bitch mode has warped to factor 10. Those close to me, I have pushed away and last night, I trashed my kitchen. Doing the dishes as it happened pushed me over the edge.

But did you know, anger is a form of trauma response? Fight, flight or freeze. It is in the fight category. Unfortunately, unlike a reaction of anxiety for instance where we can have compassion and understanding for that person, someone who is angry is hard to empathise with. They are also challenging to reason with until the red mist dissipates.
Anger as an energy however, is not an emotion to be shunned or frightened of. We can use it constructively to achieve great things, but the danger lies when it becomes destructive. I have reached that stage.

Under normal circumstances, if I feel like life is getting on top of me, I will go and visit a friend.
Phoning and Zooming, although the next best options are not the same. I need to feel the reassuring warm energy my friends exude and eye to eye contact to let me know that I am not invisible. A hug or a light touch of the hand to symbolize that indeed we are all worthy and validated.
I would perhaps take a drive to the woods and walk my now elderly dogs who cant walk very far but enjoy the settings as much as I do. Sharing that joy with my dogs is healing in itself. I am very aware the Bluebells are out now, and it’s been an annual tradition to take a photo of us all amidst the blue purple clouds. Except this year I feel I can’t without fear of repercussions and reprimand from eagerly awaiting self-appointing members of public policing the very act of taking a drive to the country.
All the strategies I use to keep myself grounded, doing community work and following the village events calendar routine to help enable me to see the people that I care about has all but gone. I am bereft and grieving.

To impound matters even worse there has been so much judgement thrown about over the last month. None of us know what is going on for one another. Not truly.
Were you aware that stress and trauma are one of the biggest factors of making one ill?
Whilst I completely understand that this virus is a very real threat to a lot of people. I for one am not afraid of the virus. – And here’s another thing, anyone telling me I should be scared, clearly don’t know me well. The things I am most scared of, are the very things I will confront head on. I have experienced health challenges over the years. I know what it is like to struggle to breathe, but I also understand that we are far stronger than we are led to believe. Biologyof Belief by Bruce Lipton is a fantastic book, anyone who has an understanding in Epigenetics will know the potential of how strong we can be. We can all be our own personal hero.  However, anyone familiar with NLP will understand that our media is fuelled by fear. Have you noticed the specific fear loaded words, ‘Crisis’ ‘Unprecedented’. ‘Catastrophic’…. The list goes on. Our Neurological pathways are changing from comfort to fear, making us feel helpless and malleable. I am afraid of how compliant we have become without question.

 I consider myself extremely fortunate to live where I am. But the disparity between the wealthy and not so wealthy has become even more evident. While most of us now have financial concerns, loss of jobs leading to loss of homes, local businesses etc. There is another group who are swanning around, having cocktail Zoom parties oblivious to the car crash that is going on around them. I am not saying they are bad people. But the ignorance is outstanding.
I on the other hand have been becoming increasingly angry at the injustice of the system. I run art workshops for young adults with learning disabilities. I know that many of them have been struggling to come to terms with this isolation. And because they lack the tools to be able to process their own feelings, much of our laying of foundations over months and years to help support them in growing their confidence and integration into society has taken a huge step back.

I am frustrated at the way we have suddenly after decades of neglecting the elderly and vulnerable jumped to their aid. Why is it that it takes a crisis that we remember they exist?

I am fearful for the ones who are suffering at the hands of domestic abuse and yet we still like to judge those who choose to be outside cycling, walking, sunbathing!
Isolation and trauma will be the biggest killer not the virus. I honestly believe that.

There is of course a flipside. As well as witnessing the very worst of humanity and injustices within the system. It has awakened in people a new appreciation of what it is to be a community, we have developed a duty of care towards one another. A pull together kind of spirit and the world is beginning to heal from our centuries of abuse.

But this blog post is not about that. Although I have and will continue adhering to the rules as best I can and I will ALWAYS respect peoples own needs, I warn you now, I will be that person pushing the boundaries of what could be deemed as to what's right and what is wrong. I will be pushing peoples buttons. I will be triggered and I will continue to challenge, because I believe in freedom and that death is not the end. But despite all of that, I know I am a good person. I know where I begin and where I end. The Morphic Field is a thing. Your fear is not my fear and that is okay. Mental Health is not always about a label.

So with all due respect. If you see me (or indeed anybody) out in the car or meeting a friend or taking a walk across your land responsibly and respectfully, it maybe because they, like me, need to save them from themselves.
I chose the title after watching the film 'A Monster Calls' It is about a young boy facing up to his monsters/his dark thoughts. It is a brave thing to do but ultimately the only thing we can do in order to live a life we were born for. It's okay to hold conflicting and polarizing ideas and feelings on things, especially during times like these.
My demons are raising their ugly heads, but for the most part, I have the tools to deal with them. I invite everyone to take a long hard look in the mirror and explore the darkness that is reflected within us and learn to understand them because we all have it, it’ll help us to see one another without judgement. However, if you are unable to reach those dark aspects, then turn the other cheek. Resist the judgment calls and the shaming and blaming. Live and let live, for we are all doing the best we can during these most unusual times. We may be in the same storm, but we are not in the same boat.

Namaste. (Which means all that I see in you, is all that I see in me)

NB Its been a week since I typed this. I am feeling more grounded. I realise on reflection that the most fundamental things we all need is to feel safe and validated. Isolation does not feel like a safe response for me. It has the opposite affect. Now that I know this. I have re-framed the process in my head. I still am learning.
I am also hearing so many voices in the sea of social media. Conclusion; They all need validating....... We all need to be loved because at the end of the day, it is only really love that will get us through.