My views on boxes and labels.

I had a rough deal during my school years. Truth be told, I think most of us did at some stage or another, be it through teasing and bullying to our own internal battles that no one else knew about but ourselves.

I remember Primary school when I eventually got well enough to attend full-time; I had missed out on the vital social development. I didn’t have any friends and those I did have either moved away shortly after we formed a bond or we changed classes. I was also teased and considered a bit of an outcast and to be fair, I exasperated the situation by playing on it. I guess even then I revelled at being ‘different’.
I was also a very angry girl; I was disruptive, aggressive and misunderstood. But because I was desperate to fit in too, I used my anger to make positive changes asides from destructive ones. This continued right throughout my teenage and adult life until last year I decided that my anger wasn't working for me anymore.

One particular memory that springs to mind was the day I scored a whole rounder for my team. I had always been a weak player and was quite often the last girl to be picked by the team captain. But the day I won for our team, when it came to my turn to bat, I channelled my anger into making my bat come into contact with the ball. I whacked it with all my might and with such velocity, the ball sored over our heads and beyond, it eventually (and it seemed like eternity when it did) landed at the very end of our playing field! I repeated this magical experience on every turn I had in that game.
That day changed my peers opinion of me and in turn changed my remaining years at primary school from miserable and lonely to happy and secure ones. Perhaps I did have something to offer to my classmates after all?!
I also became an amazing deep fielder, catching any ball that headed my way, I even got confident enough to make the most magnificent aerobatic dives any professional cricketer would’ve been proud of! Over time not only was I the first girl to be chosen for a team, I eventually became team captain and my heart swelled with pride.

And that’s when at the age of 9, I became aware of how I felt I could make a difference to someone else’s life by my own actions. Instead of automatically choosing the best for my team I went to the kids who were deemed hopeless, I picked them first rather than last. I still remember the groans and moans I got from my team mates, but in my little 9yr old mind I was determined that no other kid should endure the humiliation that I had done by being the last to be picked. I didn’t want anyone else to feel unworthy and having opportunities denied because they were looked upon as being rubbish or a failure. I wanted to encourage them, give them confidence and above all show them that I believed in them even if no-one else would.
Sadly for me, Secondary school would be another matter once again, but one to be written about for another time.

Looking back on this and various other memories, I understand now that these experiences have set me up for the life journey that I am now on. I am grateful for a chance meeting of an acquaintance a year ago who introduced me to her friend who was an EFT Matrix Re-imprinting practitioner. It was she who helped me to work through many personal issues that had inhibited my own personal & spiritual growth and become trained as a practitioner myself. It has helped me understand all my life experiences and that even the bad ones has helped shape me into the woman that I am today.

I am also grateful to a friend who’s family moved into the same village where I was brought up and who by chance (although nothing in the universe as it happens is by chance) was born with the very same condition as myself. She is very good with statistics whereas my memory fails me when it comes to numbers. But as I understand it, we are one in every two hundred and fifty thousand to be born and amazingly we end up in the same small village?! My Mum ended up child-minding her and her brother before and after school. But at 7yrs her senior, I at the age of 13 didn’t have much to do with her at the time. Over the years though, we have since become good friends.

Like many of us born with Esophageal Atresia and Tracheoesophageal Fistula (yeah its a mouthful) it comes with varying complications. I do not know the full list of problems my friend has experienced, nor do I know or understand the full extent of health issues I have, other than fused bones and bones that have gone a little AWOL. It’s not until with age when things become more noticeable that it gets investigated and things come to light.  We generally have far better things to do than focus on what inhibits us in life.
But one of the issues with my friend is an inability to comprehend subtle body language and difficulty (more so in in the past) with social engagement. With age she has learnt to adapt because like me, she is unwilling to give up or accept her own limitations. The mind if not the body is a powerful tool.
The medical profession has labelled her with Aspergers. She herself isn’t all that convinced with the diagnosis but has gone along with it because it makes those of us who don’t understand more comfortable with the situation in front of us.
But through years of those limited beliefs put in place both by ourselves and others, it has at times been hard to prove anything other than living alongside those set of guidelines and safety nets that are put in place for our own protection; Protection, as I perceive it, is just something that stems from fear, it is a cloak to prevent either ourselves or others we care about from getting hurt. Of course, there are extremes of this but in being over-protective we prevent ourselves and loved ones to any sort of personal and spiritual development. One of the hardest things being a parent I would imagine is letting your child go, to go forth in our world, to watch them make mistakes and to see them get hurt, but in doing so, you are giving the greatest gift one could give a child. And I speak not because I am a parent but because I still remember being a child.

Before I go on, I want to make it clear that there is no blame towards anyone or anything. We are all responsible for how we choose to feel and react. These are merely my  observations based on my own experiences.

But it is interesting how society and the government put us in boxes with labels to help people like my friend and like many others ‘worse off’ and I use that term loosely for it is only through personal perception that we may feel some are worse off than others.
By giving diagnosis to a problem, is effectively giving another label to make those around them more comfortable and accepting of them, thus in turn avoids the real issues.
The real issues being that we are all unique. For example, my friend and I were born with the same rare condition – it was fixed but underneath are much deeper complexities that have to be dealt with and treated in our own unique way that is healthy and right for each of us as individuals and sometimes that will take time due to the very nature of the issues involved – Time  that society doesn’t seem to allow, because of the pressure of back to work schemes, financial worries, even bullying etc and don't get me started on the education system!
And then there are folk who for whatever reason are unable to maintain a  part-time job let alone a full-time one. I do not believe this gives the goverment the right to force them to work nor a reason to throw them on the scrap heap, but rather to be encouraged in finding out and reaching their full potential in whatever it may be, whatever form it may come in and however unconventional it may seem.

I myself have been guilty of living by my own limitations. For instance, I am deaf in one ear. I have always avoided interacting in large groups due to difficultly in hearing. However over time, I have learnt to adapt, I can now explain to complete strangers that I have to move to my ‘good side’ so that I can hear them. It takes the pressure off of me trying to lip read (to which I have become quite adapt). Not only can I lip read, but I learnt to do sign language too, both of which I probably wouldn't have done had I been hearing in both ears.
Looking back, I cannot believe that at one time I was ashamed and embarrassed of my disability. People mistook me for being shy or even rude. I didn’t want to be seen as a weak link and so instead of explaining the misunderstanding. I pretended not to care.  So you understand, it is up to all of us to look beneath the judgements, look beyond the disability, look behind the anger, the bitterness the nonchalance, and not only see, but feel and understand the true soul behind the shields they put up and labels that they are given, because in truth, they could be crying out for recognition, for some piece of verification that they too are worthy enough to contribute to society be it through working, through music, or sport, through art, through making or building, creating, or inventing, we ALL have something to offer.

So I guess with the way my path is going, the way that work is coming my way involving art workshops for adults with learning disabilities, I want to test my words and put them into practice and just because I have been labelled as a resident artist for them, I hope to offer them so much more than just Art because of all the reasons I wrote above and more.
I had a short stint in this area 2yrs ago but I gave it up. I turned down another unrelated but similar opportunity last year so when yet another one came up this year, I decided to take the hint the universe was giving me and accept her challenge.
I will make mistakes, I will feel out my depth at times, I will get things wrong, but the one thing I will always remember is to keep in mind that little 9yr old girl and know in my heart, like I did all those years ago, that somehow, in some way however small, I can make a difference.
And with that thought in mind, what will you do?

Farewell to Summer

 

As I stand beneath the mellowing September sun.
I watch the Swallows swoop down low for their final show.
And amidst the constant drone of combines and bailers;
Fields of gold turn into nothing but memories and hazy dust.
There is a sense of melancholy in the air, our summer is fading;
Our lady so fair.
Her familiar scents of roses & strawberries, cucumber and Pimms;
Will soon be replaced by stewed apples & pickles wood smoke & Port.
But before she bids her final farewells.
She kisses our crowns with her fading rays
And I thank her with a quiet prayer;
For her beauty her splendour and all that she guards.
Her kindness is noted and may she return.

A Letter from Gaia

Image by Raymond Douillet

 

 

A letter from Gaia

 

Listen to me when I tell you, I am Gaia, Your Mother; Earth

In the Lunar days I gave birth to you. As fragments of stardust I nurtured you deep within my womb until the day came for you to enter my world.

The Lunar years were many moons ago now. Together we grew, learnt and evolved.

In partnership we worked in harmony alongside the sun and the moon.
You respected and honoured my body, my soul, my spirit and in return I supplied you with all that you desired.

You believed in me and your faith was unshakable. You worked with my seasons and you gave thanks to my Gods, for you understood that my Gods were not tied to any Religion.

We were so happy together.

But then gradually as centuries came and went, the tides began to change. You started to lose your faith, your desires turned to greed, you began searching until one day you woke up and forgot what you were searching for.

The Magic was lost and as man and woman turned onto one another and looked upon each other as a threat; our feminine and masculine energies separated. The sun & moon, the sky, the sea the rivers the mountains, the hills and the valleys they too became disjointed, disconnected from my lifeline, My Love. Instead you replaced those empty voids with hatred and fear and you react with violence and abuse not realising that I need you all as much as you need me for our survival.

And now we find ourselves here. I am bruised and battered and I am tired of your battles, I am close to the edge and yet still you persist.

I am weary of your darkness, it is heavy and I cannot carry the load for much longer.

But through the tears that I weep, I see Beings of light. At first it was weak, a faint flicker in the abyss, but I fill with pride when I see you have been getting stronger, building in numbers. You are awakening from a deep slumber my dear children.
Don’t be afraid. Many of you are summoning help and help has arrived. Just trust and keep following the light. It is soon to be my time to rest and to heal.
You must set to work now, with a sense of urgency and with Love in your hearts, Now that you understand that I am you and you are me.
We Are Love and together reunited once again, we shall raise our vibrations. You already are. Don’t give up.
I love you.

Your Loving Mother
Earth.



Scattered Pieces

 

I am playing a game. I am patiently waiting my turn to roll the dice once again. I watch in silence as my opponents before me make their move. I watch in awe how they can take such brave steps, to make that journey one step, one go at a time.
It is not a game of competition, nor is it a game of win or lose but more a game of life.
Some of my fellow game players have taken strategic moves, others have been based on mere chance. Either way, I admire them equally.

Everybody seems to be having so much fun, some of those closest to me seem to be having so much luck that I can’t believe it, I have even been feeling slightly envious that everything is going so well for them all and I start to question my next move. –I don’t even know what mine is let alone when it will be. I start confusing myself and I ‘miss a go’.

So my attention, not for the first time, is reverted back on everyone else. I am feeling happy for my team mates and I am infused with their passion and drive for life, they seem to play this game we have all been so deeply involved with, so eloquently and wistfully. They make it look so easy and I wish that I were them, so much so that I forget to have my own turn to play.

And then that’s when it happens. A once crowded board with colourful pieces have suddenly scattered. I find myself alone and I am afraid of being left behind.
I then realise that after all this time I was holding the dice after all. I was clutching them so tight fearful of my next move that I couldn’t let go.
It dawns on me that I have been trying to control this game we call life, my only moves that I had been making recently were in my mind which had been focused on attempting to keep all the game pieces in one spot so that they could be close to me, so close in-fact, that I had neglected my own turn in rolling of the dice. The more I concentrated on containing all the pieces in one place, the further away they all became and the less I felt secure to move myself.

A pep talk from a trusted team player put me straight. For not only do I have a chance in rolling that
dice, to take brave steps if I so wished, I see now that I AM the game.
There will never be an end or a destination, there is not even a right or wrong move, even the ‘snake’ will lead me to a ladder. So I shall start over again. I will roll that dice once again. And even it takes me longer than everyone else to reach certain aspirations;, I shall continue keeping this counter moving round the board we call 'Life' and trust in the knowledge that even standing still at times, will still be leading me forwards.

Words of comfort from one lady to another

I have watched you from a distance and I see your pain, I feel your heartache as if it were my own and I wish as your friend to take away the hurt and the anger, for I too have been there, as have every other man and woman who stands before us. We are not the first nor will we ever be the last to have a broken heart.
But I live so far away I cannot even wipe away your tears, all I can offer you are words of comfort from afar and to assure you that everything WILL be ok in the end.
I also Want to tell you, how you know deep in your heart that you are worthy of so much more without the need to struggle. And that special love you so much desire, you already hold in your heart, all you need to do is accept it for yourself because it is only when you do, that love will find you. And all those empty nights when you feel a pang of loneliness, they are only reminders that you can be independent, strong and stand alone as one.
Embrace those moments and find that love you already hold in your heart and feel, I mean truly feel that love for yourself as if no-one can possibly love you more.

When at times you find yourself searching out company that doesn’t ring true to your inner soul, ask yourself what it is you are really escaping from or avoiding.
A cheap date or one-night stand can only serve to fill an empty void, nothing more nothing less, for if that company does not support or respect your spiritual growth, it will only be yourself that you are hurting in the long run. Feel that love you already hold in your heart and surround yourself with the people you love and care about and who love and care for you back, for it is ok to feel weak, we cannot always be the tower of strength we so like to give the impression of. That is why we have friends to lean on, for in our times of darkness, they will guide us to the light once again.

As your friend, I can only stand by and be a shoulder to cry on and be an ear to listen to without judgment. I can give you answers, but they are only my truths and we all have our own truths and our own paths to walk, but I think you already know your answers, it is only when you accept them can you move forward.
But if I may give you a little bit of advice, it will be this.

Move forward without fear, for you ARE brave enough!
Believe in yourself like you did before. Trust once again, it was never your fault to fall in love and to believe in that love. Don’t allow those ones who betray your trust, to destroy you too. Nor give your time or thoughts to try to understand, for the truth of the matter is, they probably don’t understand themselves and if they do and they really see how their actions have caused you so much pain but still do it, then they certainly do not deserve your time let alone your love.
Forgive and let go with love.
Live your life with dignity, with integrity, passion and with love and light in your heart, for WE ARE LOVE.

How 'Love' took me to Peru

 

People asked me, ‘Why Peru?’ I would answer perhaps somewhat flippantly, because I fell in love.

Ok. So maybe it wasn’t the kind of deep long-lasting love affair that one would expect from falling in love. Looking back on it now, it was more the idea of ‘being in love’ and what it had shown me in the brief encounter that I had with him that gave me the courage to make my journey…….

I had always been the kind of person who has been content with where I lived, my home and all my animals I share it with. I would tell my more adventurous friends, why would need to travel when I live in one of the most beautiful parts of Hampshire? I don’t need to see the world when I have fields and trees to look out onto every day.

But the truth was, it was fear talking. Deep down, the very thought of leaving my comfort zone to spend time in unfamiliar territory totally petrified me. I don’t think I even knew it myself at the time. Or maybe I just blocked it out, unwilling to confront my fears.

But gradually over a period of the last year, something inside of me started to change. I no longer felt comfortable living, thinking and behaving the way I did. A lot of repeating thought patterns I have had most of my life were no longer constructive or indeed positive to how I wanted to live now. As uncomfortable as it made me feel at the time, I knew I had to let go of these self-protective mechanisms. The question was, how?

As these things so often happen, when one puts out a question to the universe and lets’ go of it, somehow, the answers come back at the time when one is ready to listen. Or in my case, when I still wasn’t quite ready to accept the answer, the solution was forced upon me! And that’s where a lovely lady called Jemima comes into my life through a mutual acquaintance
Jemima is an EFT coach. Up until a year ago, I had never even heard of it, but an ex colleague of mine randomly got in touch asking me if I wanted to go to an Emotional Freedom technique workshop as her friend was starting up a class. I agreed and two weeks later I was at Jemima’s class not having a clue what to expect.
To cut a long story short, I came out that session with a sense of release and nightmares about my parents selling our family home that I had suffered for months suddenly stopped from that night onwards. Something in my head had shifted and it felt good. I wanted more of that, but fearful of how deep my anxieties and insecurities ran in my psyche, I knew that whatever crap that needed shifting it wasn’t going to be easy and I was scared of revealing my most private and inner feelings. I didn’t want to expose that vulnerability to anyone, let alone myself! And so I kept putting the task of phoning Jemima off.
Days and then weeks went by. I eventually booked a week camping in Alderney promising myself that I would see Jemima after I got back, but the universe had other plans! A day before I was due to leave, I found an email from Jemima asking how I had been since her group session and telling me if I ever wanted to see her again for a 1-1 session, to let her know.
I didn’t need to be asked twice, I emailed back straight away to say I was about to go away for a week and so unless she could fit me in at the weekend before I left, we would have to wait til I got back. Five minutes later I got a reply. She was free that Saturday morning and could I come over at ten. I was due to leave in the afternoon but it still gave me time to see her!
I was with Jemima for the best part of two hours. I would say they were probably the most emotionally gruelling two hours of my life. I don’t think I had ever cried so much in my whole life, however despite all of this, I came out of her home, feeling on top of the world!

And so I went to Alderney having shed my old skin where I met the ‘man of my dreams’.

He was young, he was full of life and he was living like he had the whole life ahead of him, something I realised I hadn’t been doing for quite some time because of my fears.
We spent hours on the beach just chatting. I had never met a man so easy to talk to, so open. We talked about many things on a wide range of topics. I remember every word we spoke to this day.
He re-lit my spark. He reminded me how much passion I have inside of myself for life, for my art and to not be afraid to express it. He gave my confidence back. He had a zest for travel, he told me the world was for exploring and indeed, it was those very words that fell from his American lips on a tiny island inside of the UK on a warm balmy evening in August that got me to start exploring the world for myself.

Fast forward three months and I found myself on a plane 3000 miles from home heading off to South America.
The furthest I’d ever been was Canada for my 21^st. That was over 15yrs ago and I wasn’t on my own back then.
This time I was alone and I felt scared! But I was also excited, exhilarated, apprehensive and tearful all rolled in one. I was scared because I didn’t know what to expect, I was apprehensive because I wasn’t sure if I could cope being on my own in a country where I didn’t speak the language, I was excited because I was about to introduce my senses to a whole new culture, I was tearful because I was scared and happy all at the same time. And I was exhilarated because all my emotions were hanging onto the fact that I was on the brink of the unknown and that was one of the most exhilarating liberating situations I’d ever been in and I felt proud of myself for conquering my fears.

Peru was an experience I shall never forget. I volunteered in an orphanage for the first week where I witnessed humanity at its best. I cruised the city of Cusco i was staying in and forged new friendships. I travelled for hundreds of miles in a country that still had hundreds more to explore and i saw humanity at its worst. I saw the largest Canyon in the world and had my first sighting of Condors flying in the wild. I swam in natural hot springs with mountains as a backdrop. I walked to Machu Pichu and then ran down it. I drank coca tea and chewed on the leaves. I sat in bars and cafes on my own, I sketched on park benches and got accosted by crazy peruvians all at the same time. I even got to do some Street Art!
These were just some of my memories of Peru, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. Those and many more, have all helped make me the woman that i am today. I feel truly blessed.

An Epic Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there lived a little girl who believed in fairy tales. This little girl believed in fairies, elves, pixies and Trolls, magic and spells. And just like the stories she used to read, she lived her life amongst them all, enchanted by the mystery of life and believing that good would conquer the evil and that her prince would one day whisk her away.

Eventually that little girl grew up and became cynical, she gave up believing in magic and lost her enchantment for the world, but one thing she never stopped believing in was her belief that one day, just like her books, her knight in shining armour would come and rescue her from the depths of darkness, they would fall in love and live happily ever after. She walked around in life existing purely for that very day to happen and sometimes she thought that day did happen –in fact she thought it happened a few times but alas, it wasn’t to be and so she continued to grow more cynical and sadder as each day, each month and each year passed on.

Then one day not so long ago she woke up and realised it was all a dream. She gradually re-kindled her love for magic and begun once again to live her life through the eyes of that innocent little girl all those years ago. Only this time she made one small change. She cast a spell upon herself. It was a spell of pure love. That love grew from deep inside the Solar Plexus that at first was only meant for herself, it helped to heal all her old wounds and strengthened her emotionally and spiritually. Gradually it extended outwards to all whom touched her life, the love became overwhelming and overflowed onto paper and canvas in splattering’s of colour and scribbling’s’ of letters. She found the more she painted and the more she wrote the happier she was, her life was filled with magic, creativity, imagination and enchantment once again and she realised that she didn’t need her knight in shining armour to make her happy and complete after all.

She finally started to live her life without the confines of fear of being alone, of being a failure or trying to be someone she wasn’t and for the first time ever she was able to look herself in the mirror and ask who the fairest of them all was and be happy with the answer that came back.

The End.

 

NB The picture above is courtesy of the front cover of a much loved book from my childhood. Illustrated by Steven Cartwright. His work has probably helped to influence my own artwork.

A Fresh start

A New Year means new beginnings for many of us, I among them.

However, I don’t believe that one should wait till the start of a new year to start making changes. I decided to take control and make changes to my life in the summer of 2012 at least 6mths from the traditional resolution date!

This year I look upon the last one as a gaining of wisdom and knowledge to prepare me for the forthcoming year of 2013. I’m not sure what is in hold for me. I have ideas and dreams, but they are always changing dependant on my moods’ and they change often! So all I can do is be the best person I can be, to live up to my highest potential, to be kind and understanding and to live my life with compassion and humility.

And rather than make a load of resolutions, which more often or not would have been left on the wayside by Valentine’s Day, I have decided to make goals instead. That way, they will enable me to move forward in life but if by the end of the year, the goals are unachieved, at least I will be at peace rather than feeling a failure, knowing that I have moved at least 1 step nearer to my intended goals. They will keep me moving forward and if they change in the meantime, then that’s ok too.
After all, it’s not the destination that counts, but rather the journey itself.