The Lighthouse

I have been constantly amazed by the powerful ebb and flow of emotions that have arisen the last couple of days.

I have been feeling like I've been cast adrift out to Sea recently. Visits from friends and family have dwindled now that they have all checked, that despite my half working face, I am still essentially me.

It is not as if I expect people to still run around me. I don't want that at all. Life has to get back to some sort of normal. It needs to. Whatever Normal is these days.

However, normality brings in itself a sense of bittersweetness. I am glad for the peace and the solitude, the time to get to know who I am again, my work in the garden brings me a sense of grounding that I so much need right now. But what I wasn't prepared for was the huge sense of abandonment I felt when I was alone. The overwhelming fear that came in waves, wondering if this was it. This was the end to my whole life that I thought I knew.

My feet were barely treading water, Instead of riding the waves of love that I experienced before, I was now desperately paddling against the tide. I thought I was drowning.

Outside influences further impacted on it all. Drug induced emotions, Other peoples hurt feelings and here was I. Me with a broken face. A Severed Nerve. Scared, wondering if I'd ever get my smile back again. That, is true fear.

One minute I could be strong and full of hope, the next I would be climbing the walls, ready to rip anyone's head off and then sleep would beckon me the next.

Today is a better day. I have re-set me course for the Lighthouse. If I can't reach the shore, my lighthouse will guide me the way until I do.

 I have been working all day in the garden. Peace comes in tiny ripples where I bathe in the calm. Take each moment as it comes, step by step. minute my minute.

I am reminded that anger is just an emotion, left unexpressed it'll only cause more pain in the long run. 

Anger does not have to lead to violence. I used to be that person a long time ago. It's hard to believe looking back. I learnt tools and techniques. I am now an EFT practitioner and I run art workshops for young adults with learning disabilities. I am grateful for everything that I learnt because of my dark side. I am grateful that I could experience the darkest parts of my soul and learn to not be afraid of it but to embrace it and use it for the greater good.

We are all essentially good eggs with a bit of rotten in all of us. The difference is. Is that some people are too afraid to acknowledge their own rot. But out of decay, death and destruction brings beauty, and new life. It's a choice we can make, either we let the rot set inside us, to never let it escape. Or we choose new life every time every second, every moment and every day.