First outing

I was reminded today about an Organ recital in our village church this evening. So I thought perhaps this would be just the ticket to start facing up to the world. Up until tonight, I have only seen family, but living in a small community, word was getting around and I felt like the sooner I saw people with my new face, the sooner I and they could get used to it.
What took place wasn't ever anything I could have ever have imagined. And what took place was all in my head and heart and I am glad it is over.

The Church is very conveniently through my garden gate so I did not have to travel far. I felt safe and My other half walked me there. I stepped inside and then it began to hit my like a ton of bricks. I thought I was drowning. I couldn't adjust my ears and I felt and still do like I am under a bath of water. All the while, words kept repeating round my head, 'please don't pity me, please don't feel sorry for me'. I thought I was going to pass out.
I walked out and into the neighbour's garden for some fresh air where people were still having drinks.
Some were already aware of my recent situation others not so. 'Have you had some dental work done?' they would ask and so the abbreviated explanation would be thrust upon them.
Well meaning comments would come forth. 'I have a friend who had Bells Palsy and recovered' Bla bla bla.......
All the time I was trying to breathe. trying to stay conscious. But all the time my mind was screaming. I don't have Bells Palsy! They didn't have a routine operation by a trusted surgeon only to have them severe their main facial nerve. This was never supposed to happen! I look after my health. I value my body. I nodded and smiled as best I could instead.

It was the first time I have felt any kind of acknowledgement to my predicament. Why did this happen to me? And then the frightening realization that what if people do eventually get used to my face? I don't want to get used to it. I want it back the way it was and all the time I talk about it, the easier it is to be reminded of my old face and to glean hope that I will return. If I stop talking I might forget and I don't want that.
All this and yet I still hold no anger towards my original surgeon. I have no interest in striking him off or suing or whatever one is supposed to do in such highly emotionally charged occasions. If anything I believe he will be a better surgeon because of this. I chose to do this procedure with him because he had a nice smile, but now he has taken away my own and I'm not sure what I am supposed to do or feel about that tonight.
As I sat and listened to the Organ play, I allowed tears roll down my face. Music is so cathartic. I am not one to cry easily. But as I listened I imagined the vibrations of the music heal my grafted nerves.
I had a vision of my two Neurology consultants operating over my body, my head and neck twisted unnaturally in order for them to access the vital and necessary components. I feel violated and it dawns on me that am still carrying trauma that needs to be released. Bruises are coming out now. I am bruised and battered and I am so, so tired.
Tomorrow is another day. I am supposed to be heading into our Cathedral City for Mayfest. I am not sure if I have the energy, but I shall try. Facing the world one step at a time.