Reflection

As I stood in front of my bathroom mirror tonight, for the first time in a long time, I actually looked, really looked at my reflection. I never appreciated how beautiful I am.
My complexion is rosy and clear, with a youthful glow. My eyes sparkle a blue grey as they light up with each and every passing thought. I have always considered my nose to be a bit fat and broken looking, now it just looks fat on one side as the other nostril has collapsed inwards.
My lips are thin and my teeth are certainly not even or straight, but at least for now I have them all and even with my face wonky and cock eyed, I still don't think I look at all bad for a woman approaching her middle years.
Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that vain was the last thing I would ever be, but tonight, in my bathroom, on the eve of my surgery day I wanted to remind myself that I am still beautiful, I miss my smile but I think I can still pull it off from a much deeper place. I hope others are able to see it too.
I received a phone call this evening from my original surgeon. he wanted to check how I was doing. I said I was ok. And actually I was. I have been surrounded my all my loved ones and even with hospital visits the past two days which are draining in themselves, I have been taking my advice, taking one step forwards at a time. For the first time since last Thursday, I feel like finally the anesthetic is wearing off, I even had a decent bowel movement which helped me feel considerably lighter in more ways than one! And so what I was telling him was the truth. He seemed surprised that I wasn't on any painkillers. Perhaps I am lucky, or I have a higher pain threshold, or maybe its being in the garden barefoot playing with my plants until it got too dark to see tonight. I have refueled with joy once more.
I have also had plenty of cuddles from all the dogs. They sense something isn't quite right, sniffing my ear, probing and clinging to me. I smile as best I can, hug and reassure them. things will be normal again once more very soon.
Tomorrow will bring another day and another challenge. This one will be big.  Truth be told, I am petrified to go under again so soon from the last, I have fears on what I will wake up to next.
I have two top surgeons taking the whole afternoon off just to focus on getting me fixed. I have not been given a timeline. Just that I will be complex even for them. I must trust that I am in expert hands who will do everything in their power to help me. It's a big ask after the last time.
There have been mutterings that I ought to seek compensation. I will be missing out on earnings through not being able to work and coupled with taking time off for rehabilitation and whatever else the next few months (I have been warned up to two years) may bring, I could be out of pocket for some time.
For now I want to focus on getting healed. I will continue to strive this journey with integrity, but I shall also be expecting others involved in my case to be accountable to every decision made that resulted into the situation that we are all now in. However, this can never just be about me. It is about every single patient after me and every thread that tangles around each and every person involved then and now.
Lives will and have been changed. We must all learn from this and be the better people for it, otherwise all of it will be a waste and I certainly did not agree to exist on this earth just for it all to be meaningless.