How 'Love' took me to Peru

 

People asked me, ‘Why Peru?’ I would answer perhaps somewhat flippantly, because I fell in love.

Ok. So maybe it wasn’t the kind of deep long-lasting love affair that one would expect from falling in love. Looking back on it now, it was more the idea of ‘being in love’ and what it had shown me in the brief encounter that I had with him that gave me the courage to make my journey…….

I had always been the kind of person who has been content with where I lived, my home and all my animals I share it with. I would tell my more adventurous friends, why would need to travel when I live in one of the most beautiful parts of Hampshire? I don’t need to see the world when I have fields and trees to look out onto every day.

But the truth was, it was fear talking. Deep down, the very thought of leaving my comfort zone to spend time in unfamiliar territory totally petrified me. I don’t think I even knew it myself at the time. Or maybe I just blocked it out, unwilling to confront my fears.

But gradually over a period of the last year, something inside of me started to change. I no longer felt comfortable living, thinking and behaving the way I did. A lot of repeating thought patterns I have had most of my life were no longer constructive or indeed positive to how I wanted to live now. As uncomfortable as it made me feel at the time, I knew I had to let go of these self-protective mechanisms. The question was, how?

As these things so often happen, when one puts out a question to the universe and lets’ go of it, somehow, the answers come back at the time when one is ready to listen. Or in my case, when I still wasn’t quite ready to accept the answer, the solution was forced upon me! And that’s where a lovely lady called Jemima comes into my life through a mutual acquaintance
Jemima is an EFT coach. Up until a year ago, I had never even heard of it, but an ex colleague of mine randomly got in touch asking me if I wanted to go to an Emotional Freedom technique workshop as her friend was starting up a class. I agreed and two weeks later I was at Jemima’s class not having a clue what to expect.
To cut a long story short, I came out that session with a sense of release and nightmares about my parents selling our family home that I had suffered for months suddenly stopped from that night onwards. Something in my head had shifted and it felt good. I wanted more of that, but fearful of how deep my anxieties and insecurities ran in my psyche, I knew that whatever crap that needed shifting it wasn’t going to be easy and I was scared of revealing my most private and inner feelings. I didn’t want to expose that vulnerability to anyone, let alone myself! And so I kept putting the task of phoning Jemima off.
Days and then weeks went by. I eventually booked a week camping in Alderney promising myself that I would see Jemima after I got back, but the universe had other plans! A day before I was due to leave, I found an email from Jemima asking how I had been since her group session and telling me if I ever wanted to see her again for a 1-1 session, to let her know.
I didn’t need to be asked twice, I emailed back straight away to say I was about to go away for a week and so unless she could fit me in at the weekend before I left, we would have to wait til I got back. Five minutes later I got a reply. She was free that Saturday morning and could I come over at ten. I was due to leave in the afternoon but it still gave me time to see her!
I was with Jemima for the best part of two hours. I would say they were probably the most emotionally gruelling two hours of my life. I don’t think I had ever cried so much in my whole life, however despite all of this, I came out of her home, feeling on top of the world!

And so I went to Alderney having shed my old skin where I met the ‘man of my dreams’.

He was young, he was full of life and he was living like he had the whole life ahead of him, something I realised I hadn’t been doing for quite some time because of my fears.
We spent hours on the beach just chatting. I had never met a man so easy to talk to, so open. We talked about many things on a wide range of topics. I remember every word we spoke to this day.
He re-lit my spark. He reminded me how much passion I have inside of myself for life, for my art and to not be afraid to express it. He gave my confidence back. He had a zest for travel, he told me the world was for exploring and indeed, it was those very words that fell from his American lips on a tiny island inside of the UK on a warm balmy evening in August that got me to start exploring the world for myself.

Fast forward three months and I found myself on a plane 3000 miles from home heading off to South America.
The furthest I’d ever been was Canada for my 21^st. That was over 15yrs ago and I wasn’t on my own back then.
This time I was alone and I felt scared! But I was also excited, exhilarated, apprehensive and tearful all rolled in one. I was scared because I didn’t know what to expect, I was apprehensive because I wasn’t sure if I could cope being on my own in a country where I didn’t speak the language, I was excited because I was about to introduce my senses to a whole new culture, I was tearful because I was scared and happy all at the same time. And I was exhilarated because all my emotions were hanging onto the fact that I was on the brink of the unknown and that was one of the most exhilarating liberating situations I’d ever been in and I felt proud of myself for conquering my fears.

Peru was an experience I shall never forget. I volunteered in an orphanage for the first week where I witnessed humanity at its best. I cruised the city of Cusco i was staying in and forged new friendships. I travelled for hundreds of miles in a country that still had hundreds more to explore and i saw humanity at its worst. I saw the largest Canyon in the world and had my first sighting of Condors flying in the wild. I swam in natural hot springs with mountains as a backdrop. I walked to Machu Pichu and then ran down it. I drank coca tea and chewed on the leaves. I sat in bars and cafes on my own, I sketched on park benches and got accosted by crazy peruvians all at the same time. I even got to do some Street Art!
These were just some of my memories of Peru, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. Those and many more, have all helped make me the woman that i am today. I feel truly blessed.

An Epic Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there lived a little girl who believed in fairy tales. This little girl believed in fairies, elves, pixies and Trolls, magic and spells. And just like the stories she used to read, she lived her life amongst them all, enchanted by the mystery of life and believing that good would conquer the evil and that her prince would one day whisk her away.

Eventually that little girl grew up and became cynical, she gave up believing in magic and lost her enchantment for the world, but one thing she never stopped believing in was her belief that one day, just like her books, her knight in shining armour would come and rescue her from the depths of darkness, they would fall in love and live happily ever after. She walked around in life existing purely for that very day to happen and sometimes she thought that day did happen –in fact she thought it happened a few times but alas, it wasn’t to be and so she continued to grow more cynical and sadder as each day, each month and each year passed on.

Then one day not so long ago she woke up and realised it was all a dream. She gradually re-kindled her love for magic and begun once again to live her life through the eyes of that innocent little girl all those years ago. Only this time she made one small change. She cast a spell upon herself. It was a spell of pure love. That love grew from deep inside the Solar Plexus that at first was only meant for herself, it helped to heal all her old wounds and strengthened her emotionally and spiritually. Gradually it extended outwards to all whom touched her life, the love became overwhelming and overflowed onto paper and canvas in splattering’s of colour and scribbling’s’ of letters. She found the more she painted and the more she wrote the happier she was, her life was filled with magic, creativity, imagination and enchantment once again and she realised that she didn’t need her knight in shining armour to make her happy and complete after all.

She finally started to live her life without the confines of fear of being alone, of being a failure or trying to be someone she wasn’t and for the first time ever she was able to look herself in the mirror and ask who the fairest of them all was and be happy with the answer that came back.

The End.

 

NB The picture above is courtesy of the front cover of a much loved book from my childhood. Illustrated by Steven Cartwright. His work has probably helped to influence my own artwork.

A Fresh start

A New Year means new beginnings for many of us, I among them.

However, I don’t believe that one should wait till the start of a new year to start making changes. I decided to take control and make changes to my life in the summer of 2012 at least 6mths from the traditional resolution date!

This year I look upon the last one as a gaining of wisdom and knowledge to prepare me for the forthcoming year of 2013. I’m not sure what is in hold for me. I have ideas and dreams, but they are always changing dependant on my moods’ and they change often! So all I can do is be the best person I can be, to live up to my highest potential, to be kind and understanding and to live my life with compassion and humility.

And rather than make a load of resolutions, which more often or not would have been left on the wayside by Valentine’s Day, I have decided to make goals instead. That way, they will enable me to move forward in life but if by the end of the year, the goals are unachieved, at least I will be at peace rather than feeling a failure, knowing that I have moved at least 1 step nearer to my intended goals. They will keep me moving forward and if they change in the meantime, then that’s ok too.
After all, it’s not the destination that counts, but rather the journey itself.

A year of change?

As we approach 2013, with the main Christmas festivities calming down preparing ourselves for the New Year celebrations in just a few days, I have been resting indoors due to a nasty cough and cold with the TV on a lot more than usual. Throughout my summer, I was without one and I must say, the last 7 months have probably been a lot more productive without it. Instead I have chosen the radio as my soul company, it allows me to move around and focus on painting and creating rather than sitting in one room fixated with meaningless drivel that society calls ‘TV viewing’.
But in the last few weeks, I am finding that my tolerance for even the radio is becoming increasingly low and I find myself in a quiet lull where the ticking of the clock, the cats purring and the dogs snoring can be heard. Sounds that aren’t disruptive to my thoughts and don’t jangle my nerves.

So it has been a shock to the system to have my TV on more than usual just so that I don’t miss out on all the Christmas hype. Somehow I have found myself getting pulled in believing that the next programme or the next film will be more fulfilling to me than the last.

I watch the news hoping that at some point there will be a positive bulletin, something for us all to celebrate ((and I don’t mean who won X-factor or strictly come dancing) instead I hear about how residents of Great Britain have suffered over Christmas with flooding in their homes, motorists killed on motorways on their way to their family’s for Christmas and how Christmas shopping has been ‘acceptable’ not ‘exceptional;’ this year, not forgetting the rest of the world’s disasters, accidents and killings.

And then of course we have all the adverts in-between, telling me we have Christmas sales on sofas, tv’s laptops and furniture and if I’m still not satisfied, I can join an online Bingo site or start a new diet, but if all that sounds too expensive, then we have a surprisingly good selection of loan companies that allow us to borrow more money we can’t pay back, get us all deeper in debt which in turn make us more depressed and so we buy more stuff just to make us ‘happy’ again and so the cycle goes on.

I wonder when Society will wake up and shout enough is enough?! We don’t need this rubbish.

The world IS NOT as scary or evil as the media would like to portray. We DO NOT NEED a new sofa or car to make our lives complete. Nor any amount of the highest technological electrical goods will make our lives run more smoothly. We do not need to go on expensive faffy diets when all it takes is a bit of sensible eating and a walk in the countryside along with a sense of self-love to stay healthy. And we do not need to start an online bingo addiction to escape our financial debt, when all we need to do is live our lives without fear, to choose the light rather than the dark and to STOP listening to consumerism and the media and live the life that God/the Universe had intended for us all.

I pray that 2013 will be a year for our lotus’s to open and that joy and unconditional love can enter all of our hearts once again.

Astra-travelling & Whinnie the Moo in Peru

 

 

In 2 days I will be on foreign soils! To say I am excited and apprehensive in equal measures is an understatement!

For months, years even, I have been thinking, it was about time I get out my comfort zone. I started with small steps, an excursion to an artist’s retreat in Scotland was perhaps my very first experience of being a lone traveller, a visit to Cornwall camping earlier this year was another And then later on in the Summer, a camping trip to Alderney for a week, where I met someone equally as eager to experience more of what the world has to offer. His passion for travel rubbed off on me and when I came home I kept that zest for life alive in me through painting and dreaming, until one day 2 months ago, I decided to take the plunge by taking my dreams one step further by making them happen.

I haven’t mastered the art of Astra-travelling and so booking flights was essential to turning these dreams into a reality. It also means I have to leave my familiar surroundings that I am so comfortable in, I have to say goodbye to my beloved pets and go forth into a country unknown to me other than through books and the internet. I will be entering a culture alien to mine and I am doing it on my own, with the exception of Whinnie! I have been abroad, I have even been outside of Europe, but never alone, this concept is rather scary to me, I have no one to rely on but myself, that means I should have more faith than I currently give myself credit for!

To all you seasoned travellers  out there, this may not sound like a big deal. But to me, these turn of events in my life are fairly daunting ones as well as very very exiting! I have signed myself up to volunteering in an Orphanage in Peru for a week, where I hope to meet new people and perhaps make new friends. From there, I hope to do some walking and exploring. I have no expectations, I’m not one for grand plans, I prefer to go along with the flow. That way it also avoids bitter disappointments.

And when I return 3 weeks later, I hope to have achieved not just a tick off a 'bucket list’. Not at all. This trip goes far deeper than that. I hope to have learnt new things, I hope to have gained a deeper respect and understanding for a country and its people I have no connections with whilst sitting here at home. I hope to learn new things about myself to stretch my boundries, I also hope to not only see a new culture and new scenery, but to experience it as well. And more than anything I hope to give them something back in return, a part of me, a piece of my heart.

And last but not least, maybe I hope to have just perhaps inspired anyone else reading this, who maybe, like me never thought they were brave enough to take that leap of faith and take a trip somewhere unknown to them.

Sometimes, we just have to do things that scare us to make us feel alive. Fear is like falling in love. As well as happiness, Sometimes it can leave us feeling dissapointed or overwhelmed or sad, but it also makes us feel alive so we keep on doing it anyway. so just like love, by embracing our fears we gain new experiences and learn new lessons and our lives become all the more richer and colourful for it. I know that whatever happens while Im in peru, I will come back richer than when I left.

 

A love letter to Matt.

Dear Matt.

I still have the gift you gave me nearly thirty years ago. It's still in use and sits on my dressing table containing spare buttons and brooches. It always reminds me of you.

I don’t expect you even bought it at the tender age of 7, a present I suspect that was purchased by your mother for me one Christmas!

Nonetheless, I treasure it as much now, as I did back then.

You were my first love and my first heartbreak. At an early age, You taught me so much about how cruel the emotions concerning the heart can be.

I remember there were the three of us. You, me and Toby. I remember always laughing and being so happy when I was with you both at school.

 At breaktime we played together and in the classroom, we copied each other’s work! I think sometimes we may have been a distraction to the other children in class for bursting out with snorts of giggles. But I didn’t care, I was happy to be with my friends and nothing else really mattered.

I missed my first terms of school due to illness;. Consequently I missed out on learning important ‘social skills’ with my peers, I always found it hard to establish a friendship with other children. However, when I was eventually well enough to join school properly, you and Toby took me under your wings and we looked out for each other.

For a while it was all good, but then shortly before I was told I was to move up to Juniors ((I was kept a term behind from my peers) (you and toby were a year below me so didn’t move up til the following year. A new girl joined our class, I don’t remember her name, but she came to join our little threesome. You and Toby happily accepted her. However, I was so jealous. I tried to like her, I think deep down I did, but I felt threatened by her, it seemed like she was taking you away from me. You were of course oblivious to my feelings. How could you know?! We were 7-8 years old, I didn’t even understand myself all those emotions running around inside me.

But it got worse. –Oneday I went to school just like every other day, I sat down at our table next to you, but then the teacher told me I was to go over to the junior class in Mrs Topleys.

MY whole world came crashing down on me. I wanted to cry, but I was aware of not wanting to make a scene and so I quietly picked up my pencil case, packed my satchel and walked alone across the playground to the ‘huts’ where mrs Topley taught.
I remember how I stood at the front of my new classroom and was introduced by the teacher to all the other kids. It was a bigger class than what i was accustomed to and it scared me. I was guided to a seat, everyone already knew each other and seemed to understand the lesson that we were being taught. I however, didn't and I sat in silence fighting back the tears once more, pretending I understood the mass of numbers that were being written on the blackboard.

But in the darkness, there was light that morning. I was kindly told that under 'special circumstances' I would be allowed to join you at breaktime in the infant playground to see you. I was happy once again , my heart was bursting with excitement and I looked forward to our break to arrive. Eventually after what seemed eternity, we were dismissed and I ran along the path behind the main building to find you both.
However, the reception I got from you had lain heavily in my heart for years afterwards.

I was expecting a grand reunion, instead I got ignored. You and Toby were playing with your new ‘girlfriend’, I hung around trying to muscle my way into your affections once again until one of you told me to go away. ‘We don’t want you anymore’ you said. I will never forget those cruel harsh words. They were like a kick in the stomach and my heart broke in smithereens right there, right then.

 I stood in total shock. I didn’t know where to turn and as I watched you all run off, I had no choice but to turn back. That breaktime I never played, I never spoke to a soul. I just walked behind the buildings and wept tears of hurt and anguish until the bell rang to do back indoors again. At the tender age of 7, this was to be my first experience of rejection in love. To this day I still claim it was my worst ever day at school.

To add insult to injury, many weeks later, I remember trying to make friends with your older sister, but she punched me in the stomach!

 

Fast forward thirty years, I’m all over it now! However it took me many years, even at secondary school where our paths crossed once again, I was unable to look you in the eye, even though I still carried a flame for you! I desperately wanted to reach out my hand of friendship again, but for fear of rejection I never did.

 I think if I look back, I always held a 'distant' emotionally cool dispositon with schoolfriends. I was forever in fear of going into school oneday and eveyone would be against me.

I was however able to put aside childhood issues with your sister years later when we were working together as chambermaids and we became good buddies for a while.

These days, I am confident, I am secure in my own identity and I am able to give my love unromatically and otherwise freely to anyone and everyone without living in fear of rejection.

 I am glad to be friends with you once again. I still carry a little flame for you, I think I always will! You are kind and sensitive and funny. Your sense of irony is truly magnificent! You never fail to make me laugh.

And now, when I think back on that fateful day when you and Toby broke my heart, I see it as a lesson of love and life. It taught me that we cant always have the things that we think we want in life and although the road to recovery from a wounded heart and bruised pride can be a tough one, its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before. I have fond memories of our time we spent together albeit brief in our childhood episode and I thank you for them.

With love, Melissa x

is it me?

 

Is it because I threaten your preconceived ideas of me that you shy away?

Does my passion, my openness, my zest for life become too overwhelming?

Do I make you feel uncomfortable when I speak of love, but of an unromantic, unconditional love?

Does it disconcert you when I can see the highest potential in you, even if you can’t?

Do I confuse you when I don’t quite fit into any of the boxes you’ve created for yourself?

Do I make you nervous when I go out my way to seek truth and justice amongst all the lies and corruption in the world?

Does it make you feel uneasy when I expose my vulnerability and imperfections?

And do I make you feel inadequate when I look to you for strength and courage if I’m feeling weak?

Does it trouble you that I have the capacity for forgiveness, however hurtful you may have been?

Do I freak you out with my beliefs; do I push the boundaries of yours?

Do I threaten your very own world that you have created, just by being me?

Do you think because I don’t agree with all that you say, I dislike you?....

……..Because you couldn’t be further from the truth…..