Cocooned in Grief

It feels like I have been under some kind of permanent cloud of late. I have moments of clarification before being plunged into a dense, heavy fog again.
The heaviness is down to having 4 family dogs dying in quick succession, a close friend die and  witnessing the deterioration of a dying member of the family.
My own dogs demise however, was inevitable and I was fortunate enough to have that time together where I was able to prepare myself, but nonetheless, when my last one died at age 15, two weeks ago, I wasn't quite prepared for the huge void that she has left behind. I hadn't realised I had pinned much of my identity on my Springer Spaniels, so when they went I was suddenly confronted with an identity crisis. Who am I without dogs? I am not a mother. I am not a wife or a homeowner. I don't even own a flash car. I have been unable to run my art workshops this last year. All the things we tend to hold on to, to help create a sense of who we are, no longer exist. To impound issues further, I have began my perimenopause journey. Although a perfectly normal process that happens, it does prompt further deep questions. Who can I become when options and opportunities are taken away either through natural progression or forcefully What does all this mean to me?

And so with this in mind an opening is created. My heart has been cracked wide open. At first I was exploring all the ways to fill the hole. Like getting another dog. Fostering kids, buying a camper-van. Buying land, blowing my savings to achieve that instant buzz. I have always been someone who can be spontaneous. Act now, think later. But I quickly realised that still in my grief, I became overwhelmed so any thoughts for a life changing decision has been put on the back burner. And besides. What if we limited ourselves from such distractions? What then? Who would be be? What would be become?

Life is full of uncertainties at the moment. In our search for meaning, a sense of control and an avoidance of death we have in effect put a hold on all our lives.
As I choose to allow the waves of my own grief to wash over me which by the way grab hold at the most unexpected and inappropriate of moments that force me to take a moment alone in my local town to weep for a couple of minutes, shocking onlookers at the rawness of my emotion;
But when I give myself permission to take those precious moments, I can keep the energy moving through, knowing that in just a couple of minutes I would be feeling right as rain and smiling again. If I hold onto the energy (Emotion = Energy in motion) because its not appropriate or the right time, it becomes stuck and as each stale emotion becomes more stagnant the harder it is for me to release.
So I have learned to embrace my emotions and to feel OK to be cocooned in grief.  For it is only when I re-emerge from each wave, a light is turned on, guiding me the way back to life. It is and always has been about the circle of life.
Nothing lasts forever and through art and literature, perhaps we can all start to become brave enough to face our own mortality. Because after all, to avoid death, is to avoid life itself.

I think this short video may help to verbalize my thoughts further.