Fear

 

You have only to look at my face to know that even the most highly trained and skilled expert in their field can get things wrong. My intuition warned me. Unfortunately, I didn’t take heed of the warning bells my body was giving me, opting to listen to my surgeon because naively I believed he knew better than me.

Fast forward to today, we have many experts all exclaiming to have the right answers, all armed with varying information contradicting one another.
Facts and figures muddy the waters and statistics are only relevant when the full context is understood. Context is a rare commodity these days. 

I’m not interested in what you perceive to be right or wrong. There is such a thing as information bias.
What I am interested in though, is what is driving your fear. Is it the fear of illness or dying? or the suffering or loss of our loved ones?
Could it be the fear of breaking the law or the disobedience of others around you?           
We all have our fears, all of them just as valid as the next persons.           

My fears are witnessing and experiencing the divisions these rules are creating. The polarity of sides, depending on the stance we take. I fear the name calling which only serve to create an even greater divide.
I fear the wall of masked faces when I go out.
As human beings, our brains subconsciously read facial expressions as social cues to carefully gauge how we proceed with one another, it only takes the most fleeting & subtlest of movements to determine how we choose to respond to someone which can lead to deeper connections. (Or not)
Interconnections keep us safe. I do not feel safe. Being hard of hearing only exasperates the situation. I cannot hear you and now I cannot see you.

I was born with a congenital condition, so I understand what it is to live with disabilities. Those who don’t know me, would never know I have battled with health conditions throughout my life. Most people living with disabilities, hidden or not, will tell you how we can adapt and overcome without the need to label ourselves. I fear that the current situation has forced us into a corner where we are made to label ourselves so that we may be accepted in society unmasked. 

I am afraid of the confrontation I have had to endure. The complete ignorance from even the most well-meaning of folk. To the ones who tell you that mask wearing ‘isn’t that difficult’…….And yet, for those living with conditions such as facial palsy like myself, where nerves have been damaged and features remain frozen in time and in some area’s even collapsed and at times painful, perhaps you might think twice too?

I am bereft of the loss and closure of institutions, charities and organisations within my community. The huge changes that have prohibited the most fundamental aspects of what brings a village together. Not even knowing when it will all end. Will it end? I am more scared of not knowing than the very thing that is preventing us from living fully and joyfully.               

I am not ready to die, but it feels like part of me already has. I am uncertain of how I may serve my community with the challenges we are facing. I am floundering. And as I walk around my village, I am reminded of all the things we achieved together. All the community initiatives and schemes I started or took part in, despite my alternative views that perhaps go against the mainstream narrative, I remind myself that even if I go against the grain, I am not a bad person.                

And speaking of dying matters, perhaps my differing ideas to life and death is due to the very reason that I have experienced death. NDE (Near Death Experience) is very real. It is the one thing I am not afraid of. I will go as far as saying it is easier than living, especially in today’s world.
And as it stands, today's society is increasingly becoming one that I feel like I do not belong in.      

Life however will go on. It is worth noting though, that we are so much more than the shell of our body that we inhabit and all the time I am in mine, I shall continue to live my life to the full, no one has permission to tell me how to live it. Please allow me to make my own risk assessments with my family and my friends. It is not my job on this earth to be responsible for your health, nor is it indeed yours to protect mine.
I made a vow to myself two years ago after surgery to always take heed of my intuition. It is my body after all. Only I know what is best for me, not anyone else.
Call me selfish. But I say being selfish is allowing people go hungry, dying alone, loss of income and homes, losing people through suicide due to such draconian restrictions, not being allowed to hug or even see our loved ones. Creating abhorrent situations that are committing people to mental institutions. Slowing down and even stopping the admissions of surgery that could ultimately lead to an early demise for some. Depending on your perspective on the world, selfish comes in many forms.

 I do not profess to have the answers and I do not proclaim to be right in my thinking, but once again, no one has permission to tell me that I am wrong when there is so much more at stake than losing lives just over Covid.

Finally, I close this post with the words of Ben Howard. 'The Fear' 

"I been worryin' that my time is a little unclear
I been worryin' that I'm losing the one's I hold dear
I been worryin' that we all live our lives in the confines of fear…"