New Beginnings unfurling

New Beginnings Unfurling. June 2018

I have been reluctant to blog a new post lately. Mainly because to be quite frank, I have been feeling low and I really didn't want to reflect that in my writing. However, to be authentic, one must acknowledge the highs and lows that one may ride and although my lens of the world is somewhat cloudy, I am still able to remind myself that everything is temporary. I grasp hold of that fact when I'm at my lowest.
My face has become a lot more symmetrical now, to look at me, one would probably never know half of it is still paralyzed. It is only when I talk or smile, the game is given away.
Unfortunately, the NHS has been slow on getting me an appointment with the Physio and so several phone calls later and discovering that my case has not even been processed to the physio department, I have decided to go private. Thank heavens for credit cards!
My eye is still unable to blink properly, although I am able to manually close it and it stays shut when I sleep, but it does result in my vision getting quite blurry. Attempting tasks that require precise accuracy is nothing short of frustrating.
Other more minor but equally frustrating ailments include my sense of taste being very skewed - I have a permanent almost sweet coated tongue which isn't unpleasant but irritating nonetheless and any loud noises or crowds are painful to the ear.
Tiredness is my biggest enemy lately. I wake up full of joy and anticipation for the day only to find myself battling with a huge desire to just fall asleep again half an hour later.
Working outside helps, fresh air is good for the soul and my job this time of year keeps me busy. Joy is found in the small little things, but to feel joyful is more challenging when the body doesn't want to obey. I feel fragmented and I find it difficult to remain grounded.
It is a very different feeling to when I initially came home from the hospital where I felt like I was floating,  high on the drugs I was given. These feelings I have now, are dense, thick like treacle and every step forwards is like walking through mud where I get heavier and heavier. One day soon as it dries, I will be able to kick off the mud and I will be light again and like a newly seeded fern I will unfurl into a brand new day and into new beginnings.

Working together

It's not often one comes home to find such a beautiful gift left on the garden table from the village Vicar. Handmade by her own fair hands too. My heart smiled with such warmth and love when I discovered it this afternoon. A colourful blanket, serving as a reminder that rainbows come along after the rain. 

This weekend has been a rather wonderful one, it makes such a difference when the sun is shining too.

Saturday was consumed with helping to build a roof for a friends Woodland Roundhouse. An array of people came to help. Then on Sunday, we had our village fete where once again various people from the community came together. Life is so much easier when we all work together.

It matters not where we come from, the qualifications or skills we may or may not have, but when people decide to come together to work on a common theme, suddenly, all those things we concern ourselves with during everyday life become obsolete. Completing the task in hand in the best possible way is what matters the most. 

Problem solving, team building, Creating, being outside, caring for the community and our countryside are all things that make my heart sing and it's becoming more apparent that those are the things I need to do even more of and so recently I have been exploring other ways where I can serve my community.

There has been one thought that has been on and off for a long time, perhaps even years and that is to become an End of Life Midwife or a Death Doula. Being in hospital where I was close to many very sick people had reminded me again and I jotted it down in my notebook I had the foresight to take with me.

Death has never scared me. Perhaps it is because I have had near death experiences that I am able to relate to it. Indeed, dying is far easier than birthing I seem to recall!

I have also had the privilege of being the only member of the family who could be with my Gran where I witnessed her life slip away before me. It was neither sad nor frightening. Just peaceful. (Grief came afterwards)

Of course, there are many circumstances where death is not nice, it can be unpleasant, violent even. However, I truly believe that if we could be at peace with death as well as life, perhaps death can be a beautiful transition.

Having the privilege of aiding somebody on and holding their hand metaphorically or otherwise until they are ready to move on to their next journey wherever it may be, fills me with love. 

Working together, is about supporting and finding a common theme. Usually in my experience those common themes run deep for most of us. To be loved, to be heard, to be valued and to be part of something - A Community or a sense of Connection.

How we go about these things can vary and sometimes those core values get lost along the way.

We are all so different with individual needs. To guide someone into personal empowerment so that they can make choices as to how they would like to live a life and die a death would be an honour and a privilege.

I am not saying it will be easy and I know that some people I have already spoken are surprised by my decision. But to me, it seems like the most natural path forward. Life and Death are intertwined and we don't have to be afraid to face either of them .

I will sign off with this Music and Video by  James 'Moving on'.

Regret

Every morning for the past couple of weeks I have woken up to the sound of a Bee buzzing around my flowering Geraniums adorning the outside of my bedroom window.

We are into the lovely warm evenings so the window is open wide all night breathing fresh air into my calm abode.

Each morning as my senses adjust to a new day, I listen to the Bee go about it's morning work. There is something comforting knowing that whatever the day holds, Nature will continue moving forwards, absorbed not in trivialities, but rather in each and every individual moment. It doesn't worry about the next hour, the next day or indeed the next week. It just 'Is'.

A lesson I try to take on board these days too.

Somebody in conversation almost stated that I must regret going ahead with my original surgery.

I was taken aback and before I even had a chance to respond, the conversation moved swiftly on.

The thing is, I actually don't regret a thing. Even knowing what I do now. Regret has never been part of my life story ever. I am proud of who I have become and still becoming. Without the experiences I have had, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Good and Bad experiences are only the attachment  we choose to give them.

If I think back to how I was a month ago, life looked very different. I didn't  appreciate it then, but life was easy! I am tinged with sadness. But to punish myself with any feelings of regret would be utterly destructive. My policy has always been to keep moving forward.

I feel like the tide is slowly changing for me. Sometimes I am further away from the shore than I have ever been before. But I do still see land. 

Ironically, I feel like I am not yet ready to plant myself on solid ground just yet. Summer plans have been cancelled for now. I do not have the momentum that I had a month ago. I am beginning to accept that just because plans change, it doesn't mean to say Summer is ruined. I am learning to adapt. To listen to my body and my spirit within.

I am reading much more. I cannot bear too much stimulation like the radio or TV. Crowds or loud places. Quietness is what the soul needs.

For now I will continue to bob around in the Sea. Listening and watching for the signs. I will trust that I will be guided back when I'm ready. I will keep reminding myself to stay in the moment, just like the Bee.

I do not have to drown.........

Reaching out

I have been touched by the amount of people reaching out. Friends and family, but also strangers too. Wishing me well, Sending prayers and healing. Only yesterday I received a pair of brand new Stihl safety sunglasses for my gardening work from a chap I met only once through a friend.
People genuinely care and it puts faith back into humanity, especially when all we hear on the news is doom and gloom. We only ever get fed one half of a story via mainstream media. We will do well to remember this.
Reaching out is a gift to others and it got me thinking how I have played a part in this sometimes seemingly small act of kindness in the past.
I'm not sure that I have always been able to. Reaching out to others in need of support involves vulnerability and courage.
Worrying about saying the wrong thing to that person. Not knowing how I can help. Afraid of illnesses and brokenness and raw emotions. Fear plays a big part in playing it small and it has all led me to sometimes not do anything at all.
But to do nothing is complacent and cowardly. I have sometimes been a coward in the past.
When I was in my darkest moments, it was the people who reached out that helped me see the light.
No matter how small a gesture, to understand that others cared got me through.
To have people tell me 'I got this' that has been the gift of empowerment. To understand that I didn't need protecting but rather to be believed in has given me faith in myself even when at times I thought it had failed me.
And then there is reaching out on a personal level. Reaching out to ask for help, that can be even harder. I have always considered myself a strong person. But I believe we all have the ability to be strong. I'm no one special. But I grew strong because of people reaching out to me.
To know that we are not alone and that our power is ours alone to use for the highest good is one of the biggest life lessons.
And so, in future, I will do better. I will not allow fear to get in the way of saying I care. I will reach out and if I say the wrong thing, I shall remain graceful and learn to say what is needed to be heard.

I cannot sign off without a special thank you to my parents who stood by me and is still standing through all of this. They have been my rock and I am forever grateful.
I also want to give thanks to my Godmother who came to see me in hospital after 15 years of being apart. It felt like we time had stood still. She looked after me from birth to 6 months when I was very sick in hospital. The love between us is still tangible to this day and I hope we remain firm friends and in regular contact from now on. Life is so short and love is precious.
And thank you to each and everyone of you who have followed me through this recent journey either physically or via this blog.
There is still much more to be written so this is not the end. But this is me reaching out to you to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.