The Mountain and the Condor
I had a dream the other night. I was sitting in my car about to drive though a huge Mountain Pass - Think Lord of the Rings kind of Mountain Pass.
I was about to commence my journey when 3 buses packed full of people coming the other direction blocking my road. I remember thinking why it was that everybody was going the other way - did they know something I didn't? I also remember consoling myself feeling glad that I wasn't a 'Sheep'.
Once the road became clear again I began to set off when I stalled the car. I was so frustrated desperate to set off on my trip. A voice told me to sit back and enjoy the view. As soon as the disembodied voice spoke, 2 huge great American trucks came hurtling past at great speed. Once again I was glad to have waited, a few seconds earlier, had I set forward, I would've been in collision with them. Everything has a divine timing the voice gently told me.
Finally, I was ready to go and the Pass was clear. As I began to set off, the Mountain began to shake and start to crumble before me. I had to make a decision fast, either I go or I reverse back to safety. I chose safety. It was a wise decision because I wouldn't have made it in time. I woke up shaken but believing my subconscious was giving me some sage advice.
So here I am in reality. And indeed, everything I thought I knew, everything I believed I had in my control is falling away from me, it has been since my operation.
I'm not sure what it all means. I am aware that I have been using external sources to seek validation, pleasure and some sort of meaning to all this messiness. At times I want to run away and hide. escape the heartache that I feel so bad at times.
I still have my dreams, but even they are fading. Everything that I built up and worked towards over the past six years have lost its meaning.
In a few weeks time, I will find myself alone once more and I have been gradually reaching out making my space my own again, finding solace in my own company and no matter how uncomfortable it feels, I sit in my space alone, feeling all the feels. Temptations are never far away, but I understand that even those will only ever give me temporary respite from my pain and anguish.
But somewhere through the tears, the rage and the hurt, a light is flickering and even though I feel alone, I know that I am never truly on my own.
My art work has become my savior and a porthole to my inner wisdom. My recent painting was inspired after my dream. I found myself painting in a Condor. Graceful in flight, always seeing the bigger picture, https://www.universeofsymbolism.com/condor-symbolism.html
It will soon be time to reinvent myself once more and I am looking forward to that!
